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The Train's Last Stop (English Penfyr)

i saw her on the train track - standing there
her hair hung down her bent back
hands around a small white sack

she held a broken fiddle - mystery
her history a riddle
just standing in the middle

alone at that old crossroad - lost, she weeps
keeps lifting that heavy load
she has lost the secret code

whatever happened to her - i wonder
then thunder causes a stir
is she going to endure

whistles scream then comes the rain -thunders slam
i am attacked by her pain
as she embraces the train

Editing stage: 

Comments

Hi, great poem with good end rhymes at the end of 2nd and 3rd. lines. I like the way you've deftly written these tercets.
I understand that she throws herself under the train? "embraces the train"? I wonder whether you need "thunder slam"?
Enjoyed, Gracy

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The Poetry of the Earth is never Dead. John Keats.

The Englyn is a specific form that has that 3 syllable envoi on each initial line of eac stanza. So the poem needs thunder slam or another 3 syllable envoi.

correct me if i am wrong. without "thunder slam" i could not rhyme "i am" in next line

author comment

correct me if i am wrong. without "thunder slam" i could not rhyme "i am" in next line

author comment

Great job for your first Englyn I love it.
Well done
your syllable count is good, really interesting subject that works well with the form lovely rhythm
A couple of tiny things that dont detract from the poem line 8 your cross rhyme is on syllable 1 not 3 or 4.
endure isnt a rhyme with stir and her but thats a small issue.

line 8: how about - still she or she still keeps that heavy load? looking up and listening to word pronounciations i cannot hear a difference in stir and endure but i will change it because i know you know

author comment

i will endure! i will fix this! i could say it rhymes in usa to those with a north county bray accent lol. the cross rhyme should be on syllable 3 or 4? ok back to the train track

author comment

i will endure! i will fix this! i could say it rhymes in usa to those with a north county bray accent lol. the cross rhyme should be on syllable 3 or 4? ok back to the train track

author comment

I enjoyed the journey of this poem a nice visual piece of writing I thought.

Thanks for sharing
LG

thanks. i worked hard on this and got a headache lol. i also like yours.

author comment

Its a lovely poem Cathy classical is harder work than free verse its much more of a jigsaw but when it works I think the end results can be stunning.

In stir the i is basically silent you strrr
In endure you are sounding the vowel ure ans it actually sounds ewer ....well in this neck of the woods.
A ll the words that rhyme with stir have the r sound at the end
chirr, fur, myrrh,

what if instead of is she going to endure i put the wind inside (or outside?) a loud whir (not even sure if i am spelling whir right.

author comment

Her is very difficult to rhyme with maybe find an easier rhyme.
I also wondered as you have thunder in the next stanza whether to rhyme something else with wonder.

why she bore that weight of pain - I wonder
was it hunger or grief's strain
hold out a hand to restrain

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