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Tentative Dreaming
burn it red like a sunset bled on paler skies
burn it orange like a metaphor, a flame in my pocket
no saving grace of snuff out,
this pyre will burn for ages.
burn it yellow like the eyes of a nocturnal predator
burn it blue like the broken hearts, the tears, the empty years
this ragged intake of oxygen
fuels the fire, higher, higher.
you started a beauty unparalleled in dreams or reality,
a light burning like the blood you drew to my cheeks,
morphing to the color of mandarins as you became
everything about a muse to be my inspiration.
but this violent passion lost its vibrancy,
as the light burned in your cold & calculating eyes,
eventually dimming down to just cool and indifferent...
the light burns blue, intense still in its flicker.
no saving grace of snuff out,
this pyre will burn for ages.
Style / type:
Free verse
Editing stage:
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Comments
lou
Fri, 2011-07-01 02:44
Hi
A powerful well worded piece. I especially liked this stanza:
you started a beauty unparalleled in dreams or reality,
a light burning like the blood you drew to my cheeks,
morphing to the color of mandarins as you became
everything about a muse to be my inspiration.
The only thing I would say is that I think it would sound better if you did'nt repeat the word passion in this line,
'but this violent passion lost its passion ,' maybe you could say 'but this violent passion lost its heat,' or
'but this violent passion lost its fire,' you will be able to come up with something better than these examples, but you get the idea.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
spydurpoet
Fri, 2011-07-01 13:44
I thought the same thing! But
I thought the same thing! But I rarely revise my poems at all unless there are spelling errors. This one, though, I think I will, and I definitely appreciate your input!!
Jessi / ~spydurpoet~
author commentspydurpoet
Sun, 2011-07-03 19:54
LOL
You amuse me. I hope you get as much amusement out of yourself as I do. If not, you are really missing out. Have a spectacular Sunday.
Jessi / ~spydurpoet~
author commentCCfire
Sat, 2011-07-09 22:19
If I may now crit..
Jess I truly like some of the metaphors in this, I think some filler words can go :) The first part is as follows as I would have read it.
burn red like a sunset bled on paler skies
burnt orange metaphor, flame in my pocket
this pyre will burn for the ages
the third line I have removed, I don't think you need it there.
yellow fires eyes of the predator ( burn is used too often so I changed it)
broken hearts blue, the tears
the empty years
ragged intake of oxygen
fuels them
I could go on but it's your poem, I think you can see where I am coming from and of course you take suggestions at face value if you choose them or not. :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
CCfire
Sat, 2011-07-09 22:19
If I may now crit..
Jess I truly like some of the metaphors in this, I think some filler words can go :) The first part is as follows as I would have read it.
burn red like a sunset bled on paler skies
burnt orange metaphor, flame in my pocket
this pyre will burn for the ages
the third line I have removed, I don't think you need it there.
yellow fires eyes of the predator ( burn is used too often so I changed it)
broken hearts blue, the tears
the empty years
ragged intake of oxygen
fuels them
I could go on but it's your poem, I think you can see where I am coming from and of course you take suggestions at face value if you choose them or not. :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche