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Sepia Skies
send me away to where there's
cobblestone streets and sepia skies,
where promises become miracles of eternity,
and broken hearts are fairy tales.
i don't want to know this sour burning
in the place within my stomach
where it feels like my heart dropped
when this darkest revelation was uncovered.
there is no merciful escape in dreams,
for all my fears manifest in images
that awake me with moist pillow,
and heavy terror of what dawn will bring.
i don't want to remember the moment of realization,
or how hard it is to breathe,
how difficult it is to put one foot in front of the other,
how much i want to drop everything and just cry.
i am loving you to the full extent of my denial,
praying for the hand of God, his finger of love
to touch our relationship,
because i'm nearing the edge of sanity.
live in the present with me and be happy,
or turn and walk away forever.
just stop hurting me with your lips:
the angry words, untruthful stories.
dance with me to the songs we fell in love over,
hold me as we become the cliche couch potatoes,
kiss me before we part for the work day,
or whisper you'll never be back.
my heart and soul, my mind and spirit
cannot handle the crushing blows of lies,
so don't be afraid to hurt me, i'd get over it,
but i cannot live in the constant darkness of unknowing.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Psyve
Sat, 2011-06-25 07:43
Spydur Poet
I enjoyed that read, sad as it was.
I like the sense of drudgery and hurt that you evoke with your words: your cry of "end my pain" comes across clearly.
Welcome to Neopoet.
Psyve
Kailashana2
Sat, 2011-06-25 08:26
Hi and welcome.
Hi and welcome.
Some great lines here, and some work is needed to refine the poem, it's quite awkward in some spots and a bit too much *tell*...
~Anna
CCfire
Mon, 2011-06-27 07:13
Welcome aboard
Jess I am glad to see you have posted straight away, the aim of the site is to critique but to suggest and hopefully do it respectfully and honestly where you might improve your writing. I am hoping you will find it fun, as I am thoroughly enjoying it here with only one exception but 'he's' all wind :P I like this, I think in places it's a bit telling and cliche but I am sure there will be suggestions on how to edit it if you so prefer too. Of course no one makes you do a thing, it is after all your poem :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
CCfire
Sat, 2011-07-02 20:56
Under your skin so it seems
Under your skin so it seems :P
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
spydurpoet
Sun, 2011-07-03 19:57
It's okay, "Kal"
I am neither offended nor affected by your comments. I find you highly amusing. I love the juxtaposition of cloud in your most recent reply. I also rather adore how you blame them for "humiliating" me. I think you humiliated yourself. But if you like, I can delete this poem so that other poets don't come here and see your tantrum. Save a little face, yeah?
Jessi / ~spydurpoet~
author commentCCfire
Sun, 2011-07-03 05:42
Jessi is someone I know quite
Jessi is someone I know quite well from years at Allpoetry and is not here to be told by your so called expertise she is not a poet, nor does anyone else for that matter. You or I are not experts and never will be so therefore the only belittling done is by yourself in the way you choose to harshly critique someone who might write just for the sheer joy of it, why on earth you would want to take the joy out of it I have no idea but you do and to me that makes you despicable.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
CCfire
Sun, 2011-07-03 05:59
JC, one will find boors if
JC, one will find boors if one chooses to do so, I prefer the company of quality people as Jess is than anything else. Your support is appreciated.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
pleiades
Mon, 2011-07-04 04:15
i've read this poem 5 times
i've read this poem 5 times now, and am still no
closer to an articulate review!
while i understand what is being said, and think there
are some wonderfully poetic lines, my overall impression
is that the majority of it teeters on cliched emotional expression
... for me, this walks a fine line between
cliched and poetic
i just feel that if you dig that litltle bit deeper,
the emotional expression could be completely original
cheers
p
spydurpoet
Sun, 2011-07-03 19:49
Wow.
Wow.
Thank you, Chez & Yenti. I appreciate your kindness. ;) I adore you two for being so sweet. I guess it's my fault. In the review I put "I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back"
My bad.
LOL
Jessi
Jessi / ~spydurpoet~
author commentCCfire
Sun, 2011-07-03 23:01
lol No Jess, even raw can be
lol No Jess, even raw can be polite, there are ways to do it without making you feel small and there was no need to do that at all and please don't delete this as it will serve as evidence :) xxx
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-07-04 23:50
There are a lot of good words and imagery here
And you have had some good feedback amongst the in-fighting, sorry about that, it reflects badly on all of us.
The poem lacks prosodic values. It feels like words piled together. May I suggest you read some Gerard Manley Hopkins? His sprung meter would really help here. Sorry I can't give more specific suggestions.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry