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BY YOUR LEAVE

Enfold me in your loving arms
and mould yourself against my chest\
I've long been captive to your charms
which far exceed all of the rest

Let me smell your silken hair
like perfume of late autumn wine
which breeze sends flying everywhere
a halo burnished by sunshine

Then thrill me with familiar form
I've memorized each swell and curve
which in cold nights help keep me warm
a warmth I know I don't deserve

And as we walk down our life's trail
let's do so strolling hand in hand
knowing my love will never fail
my heart is always in your hand

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

at an age passed so much experience
which others must freshly share
newer methods of making love emerge
as you know perhaps
in modern ways
your dawns are sold

loved

So many write of young hot love but there's a lot to be said for love which has had time to mature. Appreciate the visit and have a good Thanksgiving...........stan

author comment

and same to ya'll
ur way of saying
Stan

when love matures
its like pickle...
it tastes better
than when raw...

loved

and mould yourself against (your) chest- 'my' seems to make more sense

which far exceed, all of the rest- would help reader keep rhythm

Let me...by sunshine-this is a beautiful verse, pitch perfect and the last line is a lovely image.

knowing my love will never fail-this line doesn't flow well
I want to say
'knowing love will never fail' but that's too short a line ???

hope this helps
ross

The your-my thing is another of my seemingly endless typos as "my" is present in original handwritten version. Appreciate the eagle eye.
I'll think about adding that comma also.
"knowing my love will never fail........intention is to convey that the certainty is that MY love will never fail (can never be sure of another"s)....but I'll let this stew a bit and consider a change when I edit, and I almost Always edit after some time.
All ideas help and I appreciate your taking the time to give this some thought.
Happy thanksgiving.......................stan

author comment

i did realize the 'my' was important re meaning, sometimes sonics must be sacrificed to meaning, sometimes vice versa. In your line its the long 'owing' sound of 'Knowing' suddenly being stopped by the short, definite sound of 'my' that is followed by another long 'o' sound in 'love' that breaks up the melody. At least to my ears

I see what you mean now. Appreciate the return visit and I'll change this as soon as the edit enters empty head lol...............stan

author comment

lovely poem

Thank you and thanks for taking the time to read and comment............stan

author comment

Sacrificing sonics for meaning and vice versa. That's truly good stuff.
As for the comma... ADD IT! For cryin' out loud, it won't kill you to use a little punctuation. Okay, maybe it will, but it will be SO worth it.

I love the poem Stan and not only because I'm old and married to same woman for almost three decades (though that has a bit to do with it). It is a very good subject and one not nearly well enough explored.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Yes Ross almost always has good suggestions. I see the need for a pause where you and he want that comma but I'd prefer to furnish the pause by word usage which will take a bit more thought. Besides a comma here and apostrophe there and next thing you know I'll have to punctuate the whole poem lol. I'm pleased that even a newlywed such as yourself ( my 39th anniversary is next Aug.) was able to derive something from this poem. Thanks for the visit....................stan

author comment

This is simply beautiful.

Thank you, I'm pleased you took the time to read this scribble and doubly pleased you liked it.............stan

author comment
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