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a Woman's Scorn (sonnet)
If all that can be known, that I should rise
to amaranthine art in Holy light
to stand aligned just so, before His eyes
but by a luscious fruit and simple bite
And by a serpent's tongue, should I concede
releasing inhibitions borne within
So, should I share this fruit with mine to seed
that we can test the punishment of sin
Let blushing bride let slip the viper by!
engorged with racing blood and poison spit
Let garden tear as innocence would die
displaced by earthly weight He deems befit
That men shall need for Eden's sacred tree
and women bear the pain eternally
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
After reading some Adam/ Eve pieces, I was inspired to add my own relative piece to the mix. I am taking a lot of leeward license on this, speculating "what if Eve knew what would happen, but went ahead and did it anyway out of spite!"
Cheers!
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Author information
Region & Country
Lake Simcoe Canada
Favorite Poets
Poe, Frost, E.B. Browning, Theodor Seuss Geisel
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2022-10-31 11:11
Your language use...
Is great, the rhythm and pace flow well from beginning to end.
I enjoyed the reading of this, you wrote it well and I'm sure that
there will be more of us that will agree. Your title sucks, and you should
do something to fix it. I would accept the opening line as the title.
~ Geezer.
.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
Triskelion
Mon, 2022-10-31 11:21
Like that?
..or did you mean something else?
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2022-10-31 15:36
I meant exactly...
like that! Geez.
.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
Triskelion
Mon, 2022-10-31 11:27
Maybe Eve
should be in the title? Any suggestions are welcome, of course.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2022-10-31 15:41
Hmmm...
I think your title is much better the way it is. You don't need [Eve] in the title.
~ Geez.
.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
Lavender
Mon, 2022-10-31 13:03
A Woman's Scorn
Hello!
Excellent sonnet form, meter, and rhyme. I want to be clear that this is read in the voice of Eve, correct? It is so strong. I can see and hear the destruction of the garden - powerful like a quake. Having written something of the same subject in an earlier poem, I am intrigued. This feels full of scorn, so I can understand your title. It also feels like the "first" realization of scorn, so I can relate it to Eve. The more I read, the better it is. Much to think about, here.
Thank you!
L
Triskelion
Mon, 2022-10-31 13:20
Hi Lavender
and thank you for reading and commenting. I did read your piece "understanding Eve. (Several times) It was part of what inspired me to write this one. :)
Thomas
.
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentLavender
Mon, 2022-10-31 13:33
I enjoyed your piece,
especially in the form of a sonnet which seems to give it deeper philosophy.
Thank you,
L
RAH
Mon, 2022-10-31 17:10
This..
I would not put sonnet in the title, the form annouces itself.
The poem is slightly archaic in language and sentence structure, perhaps that was deliberate?
I read this several times, it is beautifully wrought.
Made me wish to see it on a clean page.
I also think the title is wrong, too Victorian.
'All that can be known' would be a better title, as it refers to the tree of knowledge.
Triskelion
Tue, 2022-11-01 02:17
Hi Rah
and thank you for reading and commenting with input. It is appreciated. That's how we learn to work together.
The word "sonnet" in the title is an identifier for people that might not identify it otherwise. It seems that it becomes more rare with every passing year.
Not sure why, but perhaps emulation of the poetry I grew up on brings out the archaic accent in many of my pieces. It does help with syllable conservation, though.
Thanks for your suggestion for a title change.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2022-11-01 06:03
Good Sonnet
It’s really great. Thanks for the authors note which really changed the meaning of the thing for me. The deliberate sabotage of paradise is a concept not often tackled within that mythology.
Good structure,
Tim
Triskelion
Tue, 2022-11-01 11:24
Hi Tim
and thank you for your comment. After reading Lavender's comment, I added a bit to the author's note. It's great to get feedback like that because being the writer, the idea of the piece is quite obvious. When we see confusion in other readers, it's a useful flag.
Thomas
.
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author comment