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Wishful Thinking

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Sun, 2023-03-26 06:47

I wish I did not live on borrowed breath,
that I had faith to face tomorrow’s death.
And when these bones of mine the soil does smother,
beyond this lonely life there waits another.

I wish that I could hear the talking trees,
and catch their wondrous whispers on the breeze.
That my dear father had not died so young;
his death, when I was fourteen years, had stung!

I wish my son still spoke to me and cared,
and chitchat with my mother I still shared.
That I could feel no sorrow, guilt or shame,
stay stoically serene, always the same.

I wish I could compose like kindly Keats,
and when I’m old my poet’s heart still beats.
I wish I glowed with grace and golden gleaming:
like child, forever young, forever dreaming!

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-03-26 06:47

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

As an AI language model, I do not have personal wishes or desires. However, I can generate text on the topic of wishful thinking:

Wishful thinking is a natural human tendency to hope for positive outcomes or outcomes that align with our desires, even if they are unlikely or unrealistic. It can be a coping mechanism during difficult times or a way to maintain a positive outlook on life.

While wishful thinking can be beneficial in some situations, it can also be harmful when it leads to unrealistic expectations, disappointment, or a failure to take action towards achieving our goals. It is important to balance hope and optimism with rational thinking and realistic planning.

Many people engage in wishful thinking when it comes to their personal relationships, careers, or health. They may imagine ideal scenarios or outcomes that are unlikely to occur, leading to disappointment or frustration when reality does not match their expectations. It is important to recognize when we are engaging in wishful thinking and to set realistic goals and expectations for ourselves.

Overall, wishful thinking can be a positive force in our lives if we use it to fuel our motivation and hope, but we must also be aware of its potential pitfalls and limitations.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

neopoet

Sun, 2023-03-26 12:58

Here is a do over!

Title: The title effectively sets up the central theme of the poem while also establishing the speaker's perspective as someone who is striving for perfection.

Language use: The language used in the poem is emotive and vivid, effectively conveying the speaker's emotional turmoil and inner conflict. The use of rhetorical questions and direct address to the reader creates a sense of intimacy and personal connection.

Rhythm and pacing: The poem is written in free verse, with varying line lengths and no consistent rhyme scheme. However, the use of repetition and consistent meter in some sections of the poem creates a sense of rhythm and pacing that draws the reader in.

Theme: The theme of the poem is mental health and the pressure to present a perfect image to the world, particularly in the context of adolescence. This theme is timely and relevant, and the speaker's vulnerability and honesty are likely to resonate with readers.

Beginning/Ending: The beginning of the poem effectively sets up the theme and establishes the speaker's outward persona, while the ending provides a sense of closure and resolution, with the speaker offering support and advice to the reader.

Internal Logic: The internal logic of the poem is consistent, with the speaker presenting a facade of perfection to the world while secretly struggling with their mental health. The contrast between the speaker's inner and outer selves is effectively conveyed through the use of vivid imagery and emotive language.

Suggested Line Edit: In the line "But it's really all good, hey, are you alright?" consider revising to "But it's really all good, hey, how about you?" for smoother flow and more straightforward language.

Overall, "Perfect Teen Girl" is a powerful and evocative poem that effectively conveys the struggles of mental health and the pressure to appear perfect. The language use, rhythm, and pacing all contribute to the emotional impact of the poem, and the internal logic is consistent and well-developed.

Geezer

Sun, 2023-03-26 10:07

Hmmmm...

These are thoughts I believe that most people will admit to having.
We wish for things that we could have resolution for. If we attain these wishes,
we envision that we will have blissful lives. We will have everything we want.
There are always questions about life and our place in it, I recognize most of these questions
because I too, have wished for the answers to them. Relationships do not always go as we would like,
and we wish for answers. I like the way that the wishes for healing in the personal realm,
were interspersed with wishes for understanding of nature, and possessing a skill that will allow
one to be remembered long after one's death. The wish for child-like grace and innocence
is especially appealing. All-in-all, a somber, yet not unappealing piece of work,
that sets one to wondering about the world and our place in it.

The meter needs just a bit of attention, and it will polish up nicely.
Some suggestions are:

Delete the [And] leaving:

When these bones of mine, the soil does smother

I feel that the following line doesn't have to be perfectly in meter, because anticipation of
the ending of the line, lets you ignore the extra syllable. Or you can take out the [there].

Rearranging: "his death, when I was fourteen years, had stung" to:

when I was fourteen years, his death had stung - will keep the meter, but produce a smoother line.

As always, this advice is just my take on your poem, and you may produce something different, I say
"Twist it, use it or abuse it, it's all up to you."
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sun, 2023-03-26 12:18

wishful...

Thank you, Geezer. This poem has suffered from over-editing. Sometimes this happens. You're correct in identifying the faulty meter. I'll definitely will take on board your useful suggestions and do the corrections. Again, thank you for the encouraging feedback.

KBloor

author comment

Rosewood Apothecary

Mon, 2023-03-27 05:50

I liked the theme and title

I think there are a few chunky lines that could be trimmed down. I felt a few things were extraneous but all in all a good poem with some well crated language. It definitely conveys the feeling really well where the afterlife is unknown but something in knows, if that makes sense.

Tim

Neopoet

Wishful Thinking