Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

thankless thoughts

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Wed, 2023-11-29 12:24

I think of you when the sunlight glimmers
and the lake lies still in its warm embrace.
I think of you when the sad sun shimmers,
just before she sets and averts her face.

I think of you when the warm wind’s blowing
its whispered kisses ‘cross the sun-drenched sand.
I think of you when the floodtide’s flowing
up the beach, where we’d wandered, hand in hand.

I think of you when I wake each morning,
as I sit ‘neath the trees in their dew-drenched shroud.
I think of you, beyond dusk, till dawning,
and I lisp your name, never quite out loud.

I think of you when the twilight’s gleaming,
when the pain of our parting hurts me most.
I think of you like a dead man dreaming
of a girl he knew who’s a grieving ghost.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
for my long lost love
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-11-29 18:30

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "thankless thoughts" beautifully captures the speaker's longing and remembrance of someone they hold dear. The imagery and emotions conveyed throughout the poem create a sense of melancholy and yearning.

One suggestion for improvement is to consider varying the structure and rhythm of the poem. Currently, each stanza follows a consistent ABAB rhyme scheme, which can create a predictable pattern. Experimenting with different rhyme schemes or incorporating occasional variations in meter can add a dynamic quality to the poem and enhance its impact.

Additionally, while the poem effectively conveys the speaker's emotions, it would benefit from providing more specific details or concrete imagery. This would help to ground the reader in the speaker's experience and make the emotions more relatable. For example, instead of using phrases like "the sad sun shimmers" or "the warm wind's blowing," consider describing the specific colors, sounds, or sensations associated with these moments.

Overall, "thankless thoughts" is a heartfelt poem that effectively explores themes of

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.