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When You Are Old

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Fri, 2023-04-07 11:51

When you are old and done with dreaming
and silence makes you feel like screaming.
When storms, for you, won’t cease,
I’ll pamper you with peace.

When sadness stains your days, once sunny
and you can’t laugh or find it funny.
I’ll play the clown for you,
just like I used to do.

When darkest days drag on all dreary
and times too tragic, turn you teary.
When life is one long trial,
I’ll sing, to make you smile!

When faith has failed and hope lies bleeding
and lines you pen are prayers of pleading.
If God does not come through,
I’ll undertake for you.

When you are old and stooped and sleepy,
worn out, with weary eyes all weepy.
When you don’t have a prayer,
you know I’ll still be there.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

for my darling wife

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-04-07 11:51

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "When You Are Old" is a touching tribute to the love and devotion one person promises to another. The theme of unconditional support in times of hardship is undoubtedly heartwarming and relatable. However, the poem's execution lacks depth and originality.

The first stanza sets the mood for the rest of the poem and establishes the speaker's intention to be there for their loved one in their old age. The second stanza tries to convey a sense of humor but falls flat in its attempt to be playful. The third stanza tries to evoke empathy for the struggles of life but feels cliché in its presentation. The fourth stanza introduces the idea of faith and religion, which could have been developed further but is instead reduced to a simple promise. The final stanza repeats the speaker's commitment to being there for their loved one, but it feels repetitive and unnecessary.

Overall, the poem's structure and language are simplistic and lack poetic flair. The rhyming scheme is predictable, and the word choice is limited, resulting in a lack of emotional depth. However, the poem's sentiment is undoubtedly sincere and relatable.

One suggested line edit could be to replace "If God does not come through" in the fourth stanza with "Should God not hear your plea." This change would improve the flow of the line and make it more concise.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Fri, 2023-04-07 12:37

I felt...

the sincerity in this piece, and while there are no flowery lines, I felt the concern that she should know that he will be there for her. It bespeaks a man who is struggling to be romantic yet get the message across. The line change that the AI suggests, will not rhyme and will take away, rather than add to the smoothness of the piece. As the AI does not write on an emotional level, it often does not understand the vagaries of love and the wish to assure the partner of the relationship of their devotion.
[Which in itself is a romantic thing]. Good job! ~ Geez.
.

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Lavender

Fri, 2023-04-07 20:27

When You Are Old

How direct and realistic, but still so tender! A solid promise, and a solid poem.
L

Neopoet

When You Are Old