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Waiting To See The Doctor

Submitted by Mr joghe on Sat, 2023-09-16 15:04

It rained in me
The tears of pain
At an opened door that answers all pains
With a heart of hope
I begged to see the healer whose hands were magic
I moved to the desk to present my card as cold as charity
My frail fingers were shaking when I scrabbled my pockets
With the usual doom and gloom
I pleaded with the man on the desk to check his book
He turned his charming eyes and smirked
You need a new card, he said
And the healer watched from afar as I groaned in pain
It is a custom to place your card before you can see the healer. The man on the desk said
I looked at the waiters with the hope that they would solicit for me
But everyone was in it for themselves
Which I thought it was in a pig's eye
My pain was much to bear
Then I screamed to stir up bad mood
And passed out in the healer's hands.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

September 2023 Challenge Waiting to see the doctor

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-09-16 21:10

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Waiting To See The Doctor" effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey the speaker's physical pain and desperation. The use of phrases such as "It rained in me" and "tears of pain" provide a vivid picture of the speaker's emotional state. The personification of the card as "cold as charity" is an interesting touch, hinting at the impersonal nature of the healthcare system.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter to enhance its musicality. The lines vary greatly in length and syllabic count, which can disrupt the reader's flow.

The speaker's interaction with the man at the desk is a crucial moment in the poem, but it feels slightly rushed. Expanding on this interaction could add depth to the narrative and further highlight the speaker's desperation and the indifference of the system.

The final lines are impactful, but the phrase "It is a custom" is somewhat vague. Clarifying who is speaking and what the custom refers to could strengthen the poem's conclusion.

Finally, the poem could benefit from more varied language. For instance, the word "begged" is used twice in close succession, which can make the language feel repetitive. Experimenting with synonyms or rephrasing could add richness to the poem's language.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Mon, 2023-09-18 15:02