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A Lonely Palace

Submitted by Mr joghe on Sat, 2023-08-19 22:18

Tomorrow,
We will be leaving
This fearful palace,
I still remember when I was a little child
I left my mother’s womb
And came to this palace,
I liked it at first sight
Despite people’s objections
I still entered the palace to work hard
The beautiful and grand palace I saw
When I was young is actually not real
Even though there are people coming and going
But the palace is a lonely place
Perhaps everyone is lonely
That is why there is jealousy and suspicions
Because of loneliness
They desire for the king’s approval
And strive to please the king
Because of loneliness,
They desire for wealth
Therefore, hurt others
Because of loneliness
They desire for power
And abuse the authority in their hands
Your demonstration and decisiveness will only make people
Feel that you are a scary stranger.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
The earth is the lonely palace that full of hatred and fear.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
August 2023 Challenge A Strange Story
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-08-20 04:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Lonely Palace" effectively employs the metaphor of a palace to explore themes of loneliness, ambition, and power dynamics. However, there are areas where clarity and depth could be improved.

1. Consistency in Metaphor: The metaphor of the palace is introduced early in the poem, but its representation seems to fluctuate. Is the palace a symbol for society, a workplace, or life itself? Clarifying this could strengthen the overall impact of the poem.

2. Show, Don't Tell: The poem often tells the reader what to feel or think, such as "the palace is a lonely place" or "they desire for the king’s approval". Instead, consider showing these emotions or desires through actions, dialogue, or sensory details. This can make the poem more engaging and allow readers to draw their own conclusions.

3. Line Breaks and Punctuation: The poem could benefit from more strategic use of line breaks and punctuation to guide the reader's pace and emphasis. For instance, the line "Because of loneliness, They desire for wealth" could be split into two lines at the comma to underscore the cause and effect relationship.

4. Development of Themes: The themes of loneliness, jealousy, and desire for approval are introduced but not fully explored. Consider expanding on these themes or providing specific examples to give them more depth and resonance.

5. Final Lines: The final lines introduce a new character - a 'scary stranger'. This feels somewhat abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the poem. If this character is crucial to the poem's message, consider introducing them earlier or providing more context for their appearance.

Remember, these suggestions are meant to guide and inspire revisions, not dictate them. The ultimate direction of the poem remains in the hands of the poet.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2023-08-21 12:40

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I think the AI is right about the [scary ] part, you should introduce him
maybe as" The Desire of Power, the King's approval, "You, desire the King's approval"
and strive to please the King" Might work. Don't like to mess with your lines much
because of the way the language is spoken. Anyway, you can smooth it out as you wish. ~ Geezer.
.

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