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TOMCAT’S THOUGHTS

Submitted by IRiz on Tue, 2018-09-11 14:51

On the old steps Tomcat watches the cars.
He waits for the Man to return home,
to share a can of sardines, and perhaps
to sit with him on the porch,
while he is drinking his beer.

But today is a rainy day.
The man will not show up until late.
He will go directly from work to the bar
and come back with a girl.

Sometimes they are nice to the cat
and pour him a few drops of creamer,
they have with their coffee.

Tomcat does not like rainy days,
but he likes when girls scratch his ear.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
I recently started to use the structure with decreasing number of lines per stanza, here it is 5-4-3-2 lines per stanza. How is the flow?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

IRiz

Tue, 2018-09-11 15:04

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here is an alternative, traditional structure

Tomcat's Thoughts

On the old steps Tomcat watches the cars.
He waits for the Man to return home,
to share a can of sardines, and perhaps
to sit with him on the porch.

But today is a rainy day.
The man will not show up until late.
He will go directly from work to the bar
and come back with a girl.

Sometimes they are nice to the cat
and pour him a few drops of creamer.
Tomcat does not like rainy days,
but he likes when the girls scratch his ear.

IRiz

author comment

raj

Tue, 2018-09-11 15:08

i do like your personifying the tomcat since you have questioned about the flow in this innovative 5-4-3-2 line structure, it felt smooth till i got to the 3 lined stanza...i am offering this as my personal feed back...the cat waiting on their master is captured in a realistic way to which I can relate to...though my time of returning home was uncertain my cat somehow knew and would be waiting near our entrance 10 minutes before i arrived as folks back home used to tell me..
.................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

IRiz

Tue, 2018-09-11 15:51

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thank you, Raj
i agree about the third stanza

IRiz

author comment

raj

Tue, 2018-09-11 15:54

I'm sure you'll fix that IRiz and will keep following how you do it...
......................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

lovedly

Tue, 2018-09-11 16:09

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even Tomcats love girls
Irene lol

IRiz

Tue, 2018-09-11 18:27

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lol

IRiz

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lovedly

Tue, 2018-09-11 21:20

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yeah I always wondered
what a mundane place this world would've been
had it been devoid of the fairer sex
guys wouldn't have known what love is

vandiemenspeak

Tue, 2018-09-11 22:13

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Tom cat is a great metaphor for longing and waiting for the faithful return of his/her owner. I love the stanza regarding waiting on the porch. Here on the farm, there is a near blind and deaf cat called Monty ( a old She-Cat) who miraculously always manages to find us, wherever we are sitting, and comes skulking slowly up the paddock looking for a friendly seat, and scratch on the ear. Favourite line so far is:
"On the old steps Tomcat watches the cars."
The sense I get is that peaceful, indifferent patience of those who wait. No particular critique, would just love to know what happens after the scratch on the ear. Much enjoyed.

Cheers.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

IRiz

Wed, 2018-09-12 14:17

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Hello Chris,

Thank you for your lovely story.
I love all kind of pets, but mostly dogs, cats and horses. I bet they have good means developed for non verbal communication, probably they are even better than us.

IRiz

author comment

Eumolpus

Tue, 2018-09-11 22:16

Eumolpus's picture

like the idea that the man brings home a lady only when it rains...not sure why, but it works.
Also like that the cat in his own way participates with his master's encounters.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

IRiz

Wed, 2018-09-12 14:19

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Hi Mark!
Thank you for reading.
You have caught the mood perfectly.

IRiz

author comment
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