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There once was a girl with gold-spun hair
There once was a girl with gold-spun hair,
Who talked and laughed and sang without care.
She loved large and she grinned and she gave,
In the end, her heart she could not save.
They took from her, piece by fucking piece,
Until she begged and screamed it to cease.
And now she sits alone in her room,
Quiet, quiet, no sound, not a boom.
She wasn’t always lonely, you see,
But she got hurt and was forced to flee.
Away from all that she held so dear,
Alone and silent, her greatest fear.
Not smart or worth, she wasn’t enough,
Instead of sad, it just made her rough.
Her walls were thick, but her eyes downcast,
She locked her true self and shoved it past.
She used to have friends, the thought hurts her,
To have and then not, her fault incur.
Or was it them, the cruelty of,
Gaining ones trust to falsify love.
If she allows herself to open,
To try again, to not be broken.
The pain is great, too scary, too real,
To lose herself has lost all appeal.
Heart aches, her sadness etched across glass,
The hurt her chest e’er present, alas.
The silence that surrounds her injures,
And speaking her thoughts aloud hinders.
Has nothing, is nothing, to no one.
Not a smile, not a light, only shun.
Bare shell of what was, no one to care,
Where did she go, she can’t breathe in air.
In her bedroom she sits in shadow,
Where no one can see her skin sallow.
What became of her, where did she go,
When did the blow of life force her low?
No one talks to her, or gives her thought,
They don’t see who she was, or care naught.
Worst part of all, is that she still tries,
Reaches out, her arm outstretched and cries.
Not a lifeboat in sight, nor a hand,
Sinks in the dark, she can’t understand.
What of love made so undeserving,
She's tired and weary and hurting.
No one to talk to, only stories,
fiction, where characters understand.
The unreal is keeping her alive,
Warm falsities that help her survive.
She isn’t sure why things are this way,
Another day gone without a say.
Peter Pan had it wrong, when ventured,
To die would be a big adventure.
Perhaps to die, would be a release,
Turning disappointment into peace.
There once was a girl with gold-spun hair,
Who talked and laughed and sang without care.
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is the first poem I've ever written. Trying to write something every day. Was in a mood, decided to try a poem. Made up my own rules, probably did everything wrong. But it felt right, and it's mine, and so here it is.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Sat, 2022-02-26 09:45
I like your theme...
the story is good,
likewise, your language use.
It works from beginning to end, but
your rhythm is off here and there.
1] I would delete the [and] between the laughed and sang
to put the rhythm right.
Use of the contraction [couldn't] makes the rhythm better.
2] [for] it to cease... I won't go through the whole of the poem,
because I want you to learn it for yourself.
If you read it aloud and take your time, you can discern
the places where you need to add a word, make a contraction or delete/change
a word to make the rhythm right.
This is a long poem and I feel that it is good enough to want to read
the whole thing in a good rhythm. You seem to have little or no
trouble with the English language and I will not afford you
the time to do the rest for you.
I like your story, make it well told! Welcome to Neopoet! ~ Geezer.
.
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Candlewitch
Sat, 2022-02-26 10:15
hello,
and welcome to Neopoet,
I like a long poem, but sometimes that means more room for mistakes. you tell a good story, but sometimes your rhyming is rough. as Geez says, read it out loud and you will hear the rough and smooth. a good way to learn about poetry, is to read other poets work. the best of luck to you!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Thepoetofnorwoo...
Mon, 2022-02-28 01:44
Beautifully written!
Your theme appealed to me as it makes me feel quite nostalgic. Reminds me of my own writing a while back! Don't worry too much about making it perfect. Although It's long, I think it's an appropriate length for the theme. Keep writing and you'll keep improving.