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The Tentacles That Tore Me Away

Submitted by The Aural Alchemist on Thu, 2012-10-25 04:24

I like swimming in the fur,
fuzzy feelings tickling when you pet the peptides in my skull.
It has always been her.
Sounds enjoyed so similar.
Our cochleas cuddle as they spiral in,
manifesting as melodies when spun.
Everything is in time when two metronomes become one.
Our cadences coalesce and the line begins to blur.
It has always been her.
Radiating an energy I only feel when near.
I must have ampullae of Lorenzini for real, I fear.
But tuned only to this one frequency I now infer.
It has always been her.
Now my lighthouse in the fog is fading it seems.
Floating back into a sea of darkness with waves crashing down,
as cephalopods come to caress and crush these waking dreams.
I hear the faint whispers from radula saying they are here to drown,
the one who is his own saboteur, and that yes…
It has always been her.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

The Aural Alchemist

Thu, 2012-10-25 18:44

The Aural Alchemist's picture

Thank you. It was definitely inspired by strong emotions. I recently split up with "the one". We had to part because of an outside issue and my bad reputation, and not because of how we feel about each other. It's bullshit, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

author comment

Ross Hamilton Hill

Fri, 2012-10-26 16:45

Ross Hamilton Hill's picture

Your metre is all over the place, so no, it doesn't flow, it meanders, if you are goiing to write in verse the metre and rhyme scheme have to be consistent otherwise the melody is lost, its that simple, syllabul counts in verse can vary slightly because the reader or recitor can slow or speed up his voice slightly but good verse , old or new is very exact. Try reading Keats or a modern great like Phillip Larkin Verse is closest to song, the spell is maintained by the melodic rhythm you create.

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