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Success, I Guess...
Success, I guess
is more, not less
Accomplishments I sing
you pass the test
It's a human kind of thing
A plan that works ensures
The man that works endures
No one else here can compete
But, no one else here, knows for sure
I've been so very discrete
Yes, I know success
Miss Liberty is underdressed
She is blinded by the light
I've looked, I must confess
It's a really terrible sight
But yes, I guess if I'm still here
I'll just pop another beer
Success is what you make of it
stay full of cheer
and keep your wits.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
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New York State - USA
Favorite Poets
Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2023-11-11 21:10
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Success, I guess..." presents an interesting exploration of the concept of success, using a variety of metaphors and imagery to convey its message. However, there are several areas where it could be improved for clarity and impact.
1. Consistency in Rhyme and Rhythm: The poem seems to follow an ABAB rhyme scheme in the first two stanzas, but this pattern is not maintained throughout the poem. Consistency in rhyme and rhythm can help to create a more cohesive and enjoyable reading experience.
2. Metaphor Clarity: The metaphor of Miss Liberty being underdressed and blinded by the light is intriguing, but its connection to the theme of success is not clearly explained. Elaborating on this metaphor or tying it more directly to the poem's main theme could enhance its effectiveness.
3. Message Clarity: The poem's message about success being what one makes of it is a powerful one, but it could be made more explicit. The final stanza hints at this message, but it could be strengthened by weaving this idea more consistently throughout the poem.
4. Word Choice: The use of the word 'discrete' in the second stanza seems out of place. If the intention was to convey secrecy or subtlety in the pursuit of success, perhaps a word like 'covert' or 'subtle' might better convey this idea.
5. Punctuation: The poem lacks punctuation which can make it difficult for the reader to follow the intended rhythm and pauses. Adding appropriate punctuation could improve the poem's readability.
In summary, while the poem presents an intriguing exploration of success, it could benefit from more consistency in rhyme and rhythm, clearer metaphors, a more explicit message, improved word choice, and the addition of punctuation.
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Candlewitch
Sat, 2023-11-11 19:05
dear Geezer,
I like this poem because it gives me a few things to examine in my own life and times. I think that I would remove (kind of) from line #5. I promise to return tomorrow or the next day.
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Sat, 2023-11-11 22:44
I am trying...
to keep the meter somewhat equal in both lines. As it is, there is still a difference one beat between them. ~ Geez.
.
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author commentCandlewitch
Sun, 2023-11-12 16:58
dear Geezer,
please ignore my advice from yesterday. I was in a different place in my head when I wrote it. I see what you are saying, the poem is just fine. I like the playfulness (reading between the lines) you are a deep thinker of many myriad and fantastic moods and personality traits...making your poems so very powerful. hello to the boys.
*love & cookies, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Lavender
Sun, 2023-11-12 20:52
Success, I Guess
Hi, Geezer,
This is a great message here - one that takes a wise person to fully appreciate. Funny, but I consider poetry a success, simply based on how happy it makes me feel. But not many people would understand that...Success is many times based on such superficial things.
Regarding your rhythm - the first stanza: the first two lines and the fourth line have two beats and they rhyme. The third and fifth lines have 3 beats and they rhyme. Intriguing poetry pattern and it looks really hard, but you pull it off really well. That is a GREAT rhyme and rhythm pattern. It's been Geezer-fied!
But then, I can't seem to pick up the smooth rhythm through the rest of the poem. Did you mean to change patterns? I'll be back!
Thank you!
L
L