strangely the word 'profound' bothered me in the third last line. Like the words 'beautiful' and 'surreal' I feel it should be expressed, rather than said.
I need to say more about this in terms of constructive feedback, will try to get back soon.
Please PM to remind me.

rhyme..
cadence to it...
nothing too sharp
nothing too soft
just right..

always loved those
whom could love
language and
expression
that kind of passion
and depth
abilities of words
to bring tears
or tantrums
soothe away the
dark of fears
or silence
just being there
together

Enjoyed this
Thank U

Jayne!!

Mr Wolf!

with Esker! I have a [profound] respect for language [not that I am familiar with any other than English}, but realize that words have a heavy burden to bear in any society. You did an exceptional job in putting it into words! ~ Gee

Sticks and stones
Submitted by jane210660 on Fri, 2016-08-05 10:51
Jane, loved this one, but would have liked room to breathe,
The spaces can be after any number of lines, as when reading we pause , there in that pause is a natural break.

Potent weapons,
weaving webs
around our very being.
We scatter them like confetti
without care
or plant them deeply as we dare.

They speak of love and longing
hope, despair,
what has been and what is to come.
They build our empires
then watch them fall,
entwining us in silken thrall.

Each gives substance
shape and form
to every thought
our minds have born.
We wield each word
with axe and sword
or let them chance
into this world.

Light, airy,
deep, profound .. (Here I wold put Deeply profound)
such monumental weight
from an utterance of sound.
(Then a final few lines to balance the whole piece with the stones descending)

Just passing through and a quick opinion, take care,
Yours as always, Ian xx

Loved the content. I think I agree with Sparrow on the structural changes to give the piece more breathing space and balance.

Well done. Cheers ... Mike

.

Can't delete it by accident, and I find it more organic, and more intense. Also, I get a lot of questions when writing slow-hand, because its sort of rare, these days!
And you can turn the blasted phone OFF! Always a big plus, for me.

Like this one very much, Nice and powerful...if you think the original was better, then that's a shame because I would have enjoyed reading it, based on this one.

"with axe and sword"

"as axe and sword", maybe? Would prefer simile, here. (Don't like the word 'like', it's too easy)

I really enjoyed reading this Jane
Nothing to suggest or crit...
Yes, we absolutely so have to watch our words.

Love judy

This is a performance piece, deliciously
falls from lip to air, with impacted vision.

Not sure I'd change anything here, I'd have
to let it sink in and come back.

Richard

Hiya, Jane. well, being from Yorkshire you are blessed with a natural poetic bent.

Perhaps one or two cliches to get rid of or replace, (weaving web--scatter like confetti ) and maybe a change of format, but an enjoyable read with a good ending.

Well done petal.

Obi.

Hi Jane,
Words and the effect they have on those around us say a lot but then we need to be aware of what words we've chosen. They can be used in so many ways and how we put them together with other words can have a true effect; be it happy, sad, cynical, mad, etc...so when using them to express ourselves, we have to be careful. I enjoyed the read very much, and can sympathize with your comments about deleting your 1st version, then trying to rewrite it. IT"S SO FRUSTRATING when that happens....been there, done that! Your title is well chosen! It catches the reader's attention and then the opening lines are strong and I wanted to to keep reading! It reads well out loud for the most part, but do agree a break between certain lines as Sparrow suggested, might make it a tinge better. I find reading a poem out loud helps me to get a better grip on it...and do so with much of what I write. Long story short, ya did good! Your rhyming adds to the read.
Though you may decide to tweak it, I'd say don't over think it too much cos:
over thinking
could lead to
over tweaking
which could lead to
more over thinking
which could lead to
messing with the point
of which you're speaking!

LOL! Hope that makes sense!

valene

I think the poems well written so if you choose not to make any changes, it will remain well done! I do understand how you're feeling, at least to some extent. If you're not in the right frame of mind, it makes writing more like a chore, and defeats the purpose....at least for me. When you're ready you'll know it or it may surprise you. Suddenly a poem just might be staring back at you from your computer, or whatever you use to compose on, and you'll think...now where did that come from?! That's happened to me a few times, and it's a weirdly cool feeling cos it's completely spontaneous!

Best wishes!
valene