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Spiraling

Submitted by vinnie16 on Sun, 2013-01-20 05:57

If I fall do not wake me
as I spiral down
I'll accept my destiny
here I am awake, but unconscious
and I'll look to the moon for my guidance
I can feel this so deep
but only I weep for me
to be held close I don't need
but illuminate me with your energy
I've fallen with no hands in reach
I lie dormant
here it is not rotten nor lonely
I can feel it all around me
like frozen stones, eyes surrounding, darkened holes.
They whisper "sleep, let them be"
I am forsaken
blessed with this third eye
I can smell flames
smoldering, seeping through my heart. [smouldering]
As if the violin sings for the lost souls
I seek for those
the more I travel,
the more I learn to love the unknown.

Vincent Muscato

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Frenchf

Sun, 2013-01-20 07:04

What a lovely strong name and a strong poem.
But WHY IN CAPITALS.
We're you shouting?

vinnie16

Sun, 2013-01-20 07:26

vinnie16's picture

thank you for the compliment my nme is vincent muscato typing in caps is jus a habbit sorry my next ones will not be in caps

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2013-01-20 07:15

weirdelf's picture
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Good imagery and ideas. However all caps really takes away from it. It reads far more accessible to your reader and less like bald shouting un-capped, as below. If you want to change it you can copy below, click edit and paste it in, remember to delete my spelling correction in brackets. Another thing I would suggest is that the personal pronoun 'I' is overused, 17 times in 24 lines. This could be quite easily fixed with some editing.

If I fall do not wake me
as I spiral down
I'll accept my destiny
here I am awake, but unconscious
and I'll look to the moon for my guidance
I can feel this so deep
but only I weep for me
to be held close I don't need
but illuminate me with your energy
I've fallen with no hands in reach
I lie dormant
here it is not rotten nor lonely
I can feel it all around me
like frozen stones, eyes surrounding, darkened holes.
They whisper "sleep, let them be"
I am forsaken
blessed with this third eye
I can smell flames
smoldering, seeping through my heart. [smouldering]
As if the violin sings for the lost souls
I seek for those
the more I travel,
the more I learn to love the unknown.

Vincent Muscato

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Frenchf

Sun, 2013-01-20 07:21

Thanks for your help to all.

weirdelf

Sun, 2013-01-20 07:47

weirdelf's picture
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But you forgot to correct smoldering and delete [smouldering]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Sun, 2013-01-20 10:49

Ian.T's picture
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Firstly a great welcome to Neopoet site and we hope your stay with us will enhance all our ways..
Your write was really holding and I read it after the capitals were sorted so to me it was a very good read..
Here we have many things going on for learning poetry please ask if there are any problems, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Jenifer James

Mon, 2013-01-21 01:53

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Welcome too - loved this, fresh and original, very strong. missed the 'caps' bit but love it as i have found it.

Jenifer Jaspa James

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