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Souvenirs
Waiting on the promised end times,
the erosion of age absorbs
but does not erase the remains.
They are out there all around us:
Skulls piled high by centurions;
blackened bodies, impressions
scorched into earth by flame throwers
of the Great War. Then,
glazed eyes gaze at the world from those
draped in aprons of skin and thrown
in wooden wagons like human
debris by soldiers of the Reich;
and wretched blood retched on sand
from biological weapons.
Feeling feral charm, men with clenched
fists and clenched minds descend
into woeful revenge, and passion
waxes as we join the westering sun,
and the heat of living flashes
and fades into desolation.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2023-06-08 08:50
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Thank you for sharing your poem "Souvenirs". Your poem is a powerful commentary on the lasting impact of violence and war on our world. The imagery you use throughout the poem is vivid and haunting, and it effectively conveys the sense of destruction and loss that these events leave behind.
One suggestion I have for your poem is to consider the use of line breaks. While your poem is written in free verse, the use of line breaks can help to create a sense of rhythm and pacing that can enhance the impact of your words. For example, you may want to experiment with breaking up some of your longer lines into shorter phrases to create a more varied and dynamic structure.
Additionally, you may want to consider the use of punctuation to clarify the meaning of certain phrases. For example, in the line "Feeling feral charm, men with clenched fists and clenched minds descend", it may be helpful to add a comma after "charm" to indicate that "men with clenched fists"
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Alex Tanner
Fri, 2023-06-09 10:16
Powerful
I felt this a powerful piece of prose. From my own personal feelings i would slash it to give greater prominence to the descriptive power. for example,
Skulls piled high by centurions;
blackened bodies, impressions
scorched into earth by flame throwers
of the Great War. Then
Skulls piled high.
Blackened bodies
Scorched into earth
Great Wars. Then
I very rarely comment on works other than to say I liked them or whatever but I felt yours deserved more. Alex
Bill Cushing
Fri, 2023-06-09 17:50
Thanks much
Will look this over (yet again!)
author commentAlex Tanner
Fri, 2023-06-09 18:30
If you are happy
If you are happy with what you have done, leave it. it was only my opinion, others may not agree. Alex