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The Sounding Sea

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Sat, 2023-03-11 04:48

When birdsong’s mere monotony
and trees are boring botany.
When skies are lined with lead
and moon is bleeding red.
It’s then I yearn for yesterday,
before my lovebird sailed away,
across the ocean blue,
when I still loved her true.

When sweet aurora’s blushing dawn
evokes no more than languid yawn.
When I can’t face the day
and blue skies fade to grey.
It’s then I steel myself to face
the tragic truth: there was no trace!
The ocean lay uncrossed;
the coastguard swore, “she's lost!”

When stars are spots of leprosy
and words like 'bliss' and 'ecstasy'
lie empty like a shell,
ice cold as Dante’s Hell.
It's then I seek the sounding sea,
where in the depths she waits for me
inside her watery grave,
watched o’er by wind and wave.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2023-03-11 08:15

Geezer's picture
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the best way to regulate
the meter of any poem, is to speak it aloud.
There is a subtle difference, that helps one find
the proper beat. With that beat, it becomes easier reading
and sometimes, a little better understanding.

The meter doesn't always have to be exact, but you may find
that there is a natural pause for breath, that makes
the whole thing really come alive.

There are a few places in this piece that rush the meter and make it
feel kind of bumpy. An example of that is:

"When skies are lined with lead
and the moon is bleeding red"

Try something like:

When skies are lined with [heavy] lead
and the moon is bleeding red. [which by the way are eight and seven beats]
but seem to match perfectly. [An example of meter not being exact],
but still fitting nicely. Reading aloud fixes all of that. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sat, 2023-03-11 11:18

Blue-eyed Bolla's picture

Thanks Geezer. Yeah, I've noticed this when I was performing poetry. I always seemed to be add-libbing when I read out loud my poem. On the page the metre seemed exact, but reading out I tended to be more flexible. Again, many thanks for your helpful, constructive advice.

KBloor

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2023-03-11 15:06

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my advice or criticisms are for you as a guide; you may always change what I give you, to make things work. Use whatever you like, toss the rest. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Seren

Sat, 2023-03-11 22:26

Seren's picture

I think your recent poetry is absolutely gorgeous. I used to perform my poetry in competitions etc I found when I read this out loud I did have the same hitch in rhythm with the moon bleeding red lines but other than that it's on point in my read.

I think again it's beautiful poetry the seafarers have been sunk on their crossing only to find their watery end. Wow this last stanza is just beautiful.

When stars are spots of leprosy
and words like 'bliss' and 'ecstasy'
lie empty like a shell,
ice cold as Dante’s Hell.
It's then I seek the sounding sea,
where in the depths she waits for me
inside her watery grave,
watched o’er by wind and wave.

.love and hugs Jayne xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sun, 2023-03-12 06:48

Blue-eyed Bolla's picture

Thank you Jayne. Yeah, even the great poets (Keats, Shelley etc) occasionally break the metre where they feel it's appropriate. It's a personal thing I suppose. Again, many thanks for your feedback and support,
and for taking the time to read my poor little rhymes.

KBloor

author comment

Seren

Sat, 2023-03-11 22:29

Seren's picture

I found it funny I added this picture of the blood Moon I took last year and then I read your poem smile.

Seren(dipity) lol

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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