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SINCERE DECEPTION
Living in my own world
Alone and safe in this tranquility
Forced to come out of my shell
Scared to take a leap of faith
Competing with the best
Knowing i would be beaten at the test
A competition meant to be fair
Hoping to emerge the best pair
Exercising the spirit of sportmanship
Hoping not to ruin a valuable friendship
Fighting to lead an impossible group
Hope i wouldn't be thrown out by a coup
Though they do not believe in me
Atleast now i know the true ones indeed
I may not be the winner
But i still got the potentials to be a leader
Praying to emerge the head
Knowing deep down i won't be misled
Faced with a lot of responsibility
With God, i have a good chance of possibility
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
This poem is based on leadership and responsibility and also corrruption.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Sparrow
Tue, 2017-09-26 19:34
Purplekay
Great to read some of your words, just read some of the others pieces and check the layouts.
There are a few workshops that you can join if you can't find what you need just ask any of the poets that stream.
Take care, Yours Ian.
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
purplekay
Tue, 2017-09-26 21:21
Hey sparrow
i am new here so i dont know anyone or any workshops. i could really use your help. Thank you.
author commentSparrow
Wed, 2017-09-27 03:31
Purplekay
I have sent you a Private Message you should be able to find it.
To show where you can get help and a bit more about Neopoet.
I will look at this piece and divide it up a little as a starter, but just ask.
Yours, Sparrow, Ian.
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
chevyvent
Tue, 2017-09-26 23:17
Really Good Thoughts Permeate Here
Made me think of my own work in your piece.
Really reflective on all key points.
A sorted reason for being locked in your own shell.
Look each of us go through phases in life its not a perfect road or world.
We make many mistakes along the path.
This unique piece is wonderful I wouldn't change anything its that good.
Bravo to you !
Mario Vitale
purplekay
Wed, 2017-09-27 17:30
Thank you,
i really appreciate your comments. thanx
author commentSimon
Wed, 2017-09-27 08:42
Inspiring
it give me an inspirations and a lot of things to of.
Geezer
Wed, 2017-09-27 08:59
Listen to the Sparrow...
he won't steer you wrong. ~ Geezer.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lovedly
Thu, 2017-09-28 14:56
Ian Sparrow or yenti
I know since ages
he promotes all sincerely
U r in good hands
really
just believe me
chevyvent
Fri, 2017-09-29 01:00
Love This Piece A Lot
"Living in my own world
Alone and safe in this tranquility",
this really hits home to me in so many ways.,
I love your quality work it hits head on you have been given a gift a complete style you know.
Freedom comes at a cost for some and there is a price to pay.
Love your work & look forward to reading more
Mario Vitale