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THE FAULT IN OUR STARS

Staring at the stars at night
Searching for the lightest twinkle bright
In pain of the event
That pushed me to the extreme extent
Nurturing a passion for revenge
Searching deep for the fault in our stars
Living in my dark shadow
Neglected by the friends i show
Unbothered they are about my feelings
Wondering the truth behind their healings
Crossing with a fearless heart
Hiding the scar caused from the past
Blaming the fault in our stars
Just might be caused by the violent clouds
Chosen to be fearless
Though they already care less
Casting away my past flaws
Ready to show out my new claws

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
i want to you have a open mind when reading this because i am a very young teenager and i am not yet extremely perfect at poem writing. but i have plenty more to share and i believe am getting somewhere. Thank you for reading
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

Happy to see you've shared a poem! I see you've marked it for the autumn contest. If you don't mind me asking, what about this poem reminds you of autumn? I would also be interested to know what "the fault in our stars" means to you. I know the name is connected to a novel/movie, but I know nothing about either so I would love to know your interpretation since the name was important and inspiring enough for you to write a poem.

Looking forward to talking with you about your poem!

Take care,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

Thank you kelsey. the fault in our stars is a really touching movie about a woman with cancer who survived but lost the love of her life to the same cancer but my poem is mainly talking about friends and betrayal which has a thin connection with the movie but i wanted to pass my message across through that so i hope you understand and its still talking about the same thing meaning 'life is difficult' .thank you for reading. you would expect more from me soon

author comment

Thanks for the explanation! It's a good connection. Losing someone hurts and the pain can last a lifetime, whether it's a friend or a partner, or death or betrayal.

Keep writing!

Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

welcome to the world of poetry. You have a good ear and a good sense of poetic narrative and you understand inside you what I call "poetic narrative". You use adjectives well, and using a word often (stars) does help the theme.
I personally would consider you punctuate this work. It is a tool, and poets don't have many.

My own take is to consider the poetic logic, in which I have some confusion or dead end images. We do not know of the painful event which pushed you to want to take vengeance. We then are introduced a problem with your friends who have betrayed you somehow, and you are "Hiding the scar caused from the past" which is unknown to us, and that you have come out of the experience stronger and "claws", (a very effective way of expressing it!) So i think I am getting the gist of the poem, but there are some things you are alluding to which I think need to be further explained. You can also do this using metaphors or simile.
This reviewer is keen on clarity or focus in a poem. Not that poetry needs be simplistic or obvious, but that ideas or events that are suggested are not so vague or abstract as to render the poem immune to comprehension.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

THANK YOU SO MUCH EUMOLPUS. I really appreciate your positive comments. i'd keep up the good work

author comment

I love the theme of courage. It was well passed across.

Thank you Osadolor. i really appreciate

author comment

Thank you Osadolor. i really appreciate

author comment

have burned the midnight's oil
through ages

Poetry is just an inner emotion
many don't know
why the poet is saying so

but give a hint here and there
so that all poets
and readers come to know
the cause of your isolated hatred or woe

Keep at it
be distinct
I am also learning

You have chosen the rightest avenue
and I assure you
you will grow
just keep ears and eyes open
and
justify if you have to any question

Hope you will remember
to be yourself always
a poet tree one day
you will be

u will see

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