Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Signs

When I was young at heart and full of play,
while skipping by the lake, I saw a swan
and dreamt of magic nights to come:
love had blossomed, and we had found our way.

Most youngsters shrug off instants of sad fate,
laugh at signs, enjoyment brash and true;
I missed the precious lane that led to you
and fancied cherished love would ever wait.

Sylphine chants inform my soul anew
and trace a broken heart with starry dew
on pathways - in a trance, while hope renews.

Today I lie beside the violet lake;
Adrift, enchanted, in my white swan’s wake.
Faith will not reverse this lonesome state.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Please help me with meter/metre, all you experts. Thank you.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

make yourself into a drummer. read your poem aloud using only the accents, just do Ba-bah, -ba-bah, -ba-bah bah bha or whatever sound you like and hear the beat, the pace, the metre. It doesn't matter that you know the names of the meters, nor do the meters have to be the same, they just have to fit somehow,

You will find a few small areas where you have to force a drum beat- like:

Today I lie beside the violet lake; (Da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH (Iamabic pentameter)
I drift, enchanted, in my white swan’s wake. Da DAH, DAH DAH DAH (enchanted) to da da-da da-da da
Faith will not reverse this lonesome state. (like first line)

the word "enchanted " has three accents, and changes the flow of metre. Hope you can decipher the above, or hear what I mean. Its very hard to explain when not using half notes, quarter notes or rests, like in written music. But try the drum thing. read the poem in accents or stresses.

In English, stresses vary often by the reader. so go with your gut feeling. what fits for you fits.

Your rhyme scheme is very nicely done, ABBA/ABBA/AAA/AAA. Using repeated rhymes at the end help build the pace of poem in a nicely crafted piece. Like many poems it waits for the very last line to throw the whole narrative into another direction. Faith. I don't know Sylphine. Not sure I'm getting the ultimate intent of the last line, faith allusively goes to divinity.
Maybe i'm missing some connections...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you so much, Eumolpus. I'll try the drummer tactic. Yes, US and Britain's English vary a great deal, it even depends on the region. I find I barely understand how they speak it in Liverpool! I'll go over my poem using your suggestions. It's still in the raw stage, perhaps it always will be...
Tx again, best, Gracy

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

author comment

Hi again, Eumolpus. I went over to your profile and read the article provided by your link. Highly interesting about having a base topic, such as in "triggering towns". Now I understand perfectly. Tx for that. We learn a lot here at neopoet.
I'll be doing my homework!

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

author comment

I like this very much but before i go on i would like to ask if this is a structured poem and if so which type? i was edging toward sonnet so i cannot wait to hear.

i will come back of course

Thank you...Teddy

I just love that third stanza nicely done

Let your mercy spill on all those
burning hearts in hell( L.Cohen)
join us for chat every [email protected];30 pm est

Dear lynn, thank you, I work hard with sonnets but never get them quite right. I have to fix the meter, as Eumolpus has shown me.
All the best, Gracy

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

author comment

I am not too familiar with structured poems and types of meters so can't comment on the structure.. but to me your poem has a wonderful feel...and emits soft emotions...taking the reader to that lake and see the swan floating so gently which is soothing..

be well...

.

raj (sublime_ocean)

the rules of sonnet: two stanza's with 4 lines and two with 3. Each line has a fixed number of syllables (usually 11 but not a fixed rule).
Rhyme follows a fixed scheme, for example ABAB (in which the first line rhymes with the third and the second with the forth) or ABBA ("rima baciata", in which the first line rhymes with the fourth and the second with the third).
these are examples Gracy, i wrote a sonnet and it took 3 years and i finally did it but it was hard, as the rules are quite strict and there are many ways so what you need to do is decide how many sylabbles and follow that. I truly hope this helps you because there is nothing more joyfull that achieving a sonnet, I dont think i could ever write another, but i might.
When i googled How to write a sonnet i just got confused, but it also may help to see one by shakespeare so i will leave a link here for you, thats one that i love.

I am sure that poets much more clever and experienced than me will also come, i see that Mark has left a great review too.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date;
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;-----------------------this poem is A B A B
Nor shall death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

I truly hope that this helps you dear Gracy,
i am in no way an expert but this is the way i finally got my mind to understand.

i just found this one too

Example sonnet

Shall i compare thee to a spring rose
Thou art more lovely in rays of sun
Complimented by light winds that blow
For thee i’d sit forever just to vision your glow

rays of springtime make light of your petal
clouds may fade above your flawless pink coat
for thee i shall protect from weeping nettle
I for thee shall build with bare hands a moat

As spring glory turn warmer with time
Perfumes of your warn outfit fade
For thee my heart will build a shrine
To thee loving memory will be paid

So long as eyes can see you’ll be eternal light
But for now my Darling bud i say goodnight

I cannot stress enough how much i studied the sonnet and still am in a place where i am not an expert.

Thank you...Teddy

Thank you so much, dear Teddy. I love the examples you've provided me with. It's OK to count syllables, it's a start, but not necessarily makes for good metre. Some sonnets end with the two lines you've shown in the second one, others with 3+3. The length of the verses also varies, one can have 8, 11, 14.
So I have much homework to do, you're all being such good teachers and I'm ashamed of not working on your advice. Will do.
Have you posted your sonnet here? I'll look up your works.
Tx so much for your help, dear Teddy. Gracy

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

author comment

The sonnet is a fascinating poetry form to me, infact so many rules and so many ways, you can read my one that only took 3 years to get to the present, it's my utter pride and joy and I really did drink champagne
Because for me was a great achievement, I am sure it was on my bucket list. It's called
"It is I who loves thee more than the sun", it's a 10 syllable sonnet, and it's on my page if you do wish to look. I am cheering you on, there's no greater joy for me anyway

Thank you...Teddy

My late mentor from Hudson River
tried her best to teach me
sonnetry

But was beyond me
syllables I don't relish
but a sonnet is
3 paras 4lines each
and 4th two lines only

like
abab cdcd efef gg==14 lines

for syllables ask
EUMO please

Hello lovedly, Eumo has already given me excellent advice. Sonnets vary from country to country. Some have only 8 syllables, but most have 11 or 14.
Still, syllable counting doesn't always work for the meter, it's a good start.
Tx so much for visiting, best, Gracy

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

author comment

For an example , I have played with your first stanza to bring the 10 syllable rule I hope you don't mind and that you find it useful.

When I was young at heart and full of play,
while skipping by the lake, I saw a swan
and I dreamt of magical nights to come:
love had blossomed, and we had found our way

Thank you...Teddy

Dear Teddy, thanks so much. Sounds about right, I'll have a look at my poem right now. It takes me years to get sonnets well written, as I believe you said above.
Best, Gracy

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

author comment

Dear Emou, I have revised my sonnet Signs. Perhaps you can take another look to see what's still askew.
Tx so much, all of you, for the trouble you've taken to help me.
Best, Gracy

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.