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Separating Sea

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Thu, 2023-09-21 06:04

If my God would work His magic,
turn the tide on truth too tragic.
I’d cross the separating sea
to find the girl who once loved me.

But true love’s torrents have run dry,
and sailing ‘neath this savage sky
is hopeless; traitors tore to pieces
our love, (those wolves with sheepish fleeces.)

With cruel assassins’ bitter blade,
they bled us, watched our feelings fade.
Then glide, among the graveyards grieving.
Bitter and broken, barely breathing.

They wiped me from my sweetheart's mind,
my memory, to dust did grind.
(Portrayed as a pariah, pleading,
they said I begged like Caesar bleeding)

If my God would work His magic,
turn the tide on truth too tragic.
I’d cross the separating sea
to find the girl who once loved me!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Dedicated to all those interfering parents who think it's their God-given right to decide who their sons or daughters fall in love with. May their chickens, one day, all come home to roost!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-09-21 12:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Separating Sea" explores themes of lost love, betrayal, and the desire for reconciliation. The language and imagery used effectively convey the emotions and experiences described in the poem. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be strengthened:

1. Structure and Flow: Consider the overall structure and flow of the poem. The poem currently consists of four stanzas, each with varying line lengths. While this can create a sense of unpredictability and emotion, it may also benefit from a more consistent structure to enhance the flow and rhythm of the poem. Experimenting with different stanza lengths or utilizing a consistent meter could help create a more cohesive and engaging reading experience.

2. Metaphorical Language: The poem includes several metaphors and imagery, such as "sailing 'neath this savage sky" and "wolves with sheepish fleeces." These metaphors effectively convey the pain and betrayal experienced by the speaker. Consider expanding on these metaphors and exploring further imagery throughout the

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Geezer

Thu, 2023-09-21 09:57

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is very nicely done. I kept the rhythm all the way through with no problem. At first look, I thought that the beat would be considerably off, but upon reading it through, I found that I just fell into it naturally, nice! Title is good, language good, and so too, the theme and the piece flowed well from beginning to end. ~ Geez.
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