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SEASONS

A kid I was... I hit the ball to score a goal.
With messy crayons I adorned the wall.
I picked the flowers on early hours.
By the end of the day I still had the power.

With switched off eyes, I start to dream,
they ebb and flow in gentle stream,
until the colors pour into the sky,
announcing the sun to come up soon high.

Another morn to breathe, another day.
Another run to take, yet the same array.
Today I'm the bride, tomorrow the mother.
I understand today how things go better.

Today I score a pure different goal.
No messy crayons to adorn the wall.
I still pick the flowers hour after hour
until the winter clouds on me would shower.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I liked the theme and note that you have used a different style to paint your thoughts in an innovative way...a nice way to express how a new day brings with it new change...i hope i read the intent correctly...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I'm always fascinated by your comments.
You're never off the track.
Appreciate your visit.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

love the imagery in this. You've told the story of changing times in the course of life.

Alid

I'm so happy to know that the imagery works well.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

until the winter clouds on me would shower.

instead (to maintain the rhythm)

until winter flurries on me would shower.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I like the word flurries as I haven't used before, but again to me flurries seems to be a bit heavy to go with "shower" which perfectly rhymes with "hour"
What do you think?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

If you read the change suggested by me..i have suggested replacing clouds with flurries and not shower...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I do understand your suggestion perfectly, but as Steve stated it, flurries are very active, so we can't describe them as being showered.
Does that make any sense now?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Ok Rula. Suggestion withdrawn

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Please keep those suggestions coming. I shall keep it in mind for the coming writings.
Such suggestions is all what we need to improve with our poetry.
Best regards to you as well.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

reading it again I found "shower"
to be an adjective unusual but appropriate
for a clever descriptor of this

around here we get rain and snow
at times mixed and thunder too
rare but it happens often enough

flurries are active and passionate
where upon shower in singular
is an event slow shower
tender show
dripping I heard one person remark
at a coffee shop which I had not
heard put to use to describe as
much anymore...an older person

Poetry is used to handle words in
a creative venue..to flex the mind
into using the tools of language
beyond just ordering asking conversing
in our tactual world...

words are a solidity and refrence
that poetry gives nuance too
by adjustments that make ones
mind tick over..

Love winter..
so I love this poem
But I must say I do greatly admire the
use of shower
here

Thank You!

Appreciate your thoughtful input.
It always pleases me to read your deep comments.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Poetry is used to handle words in
a creative venue..
to flex the mind
into using the tools
of language
beyond just
ordering
asking
conversing
in our tactual world.....

I think that Esker has said it all , I loved the progression that led us through the years of flowers.
Yours Ian x

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for the visit. My pleasure indeed to know that you like it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Yours, Echo, echo, e, ch, Oh!

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Not the rhyme scheme I would have chosen, but that is the poet's call, not mine. The subject matter is a bit hazy, but the over all "feel" of the poem makes up for much. I feel that with a little more work, this poem would not only be a good read, but memorable as well.

Thank you for the invaluable feedback.
I understand that you didn't like the singy songy rhyme.
I don't use it often, so you can say I was only experimenting the whole thing. .
I am not sure where I need a rework but I shall certainly give it a thought soon.
I appreciate if you have certain lines or stanzas to point.
and many thanks as always.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

The title does a lot in helping understand what the poem is about. Stanza 1 line 3. I think you're going for alliteration as well as rhyme in this line. If so you could try something like "I spend hours choosing a flower". I'm sure you can come up with a better alternative though lol. I also like the repeat of first stanza's rhyme in the second which shows things have gone full circle.........stan

I always like to choose a title that's related to the theme.
I am quite not sure what's wrong with "hour after hour". Is it the repetition of the same word?
Does this weaken the line or the stanza. Ok Ok. I know you're preparing for your "right word WS" so I also would like to understand.
Thank you for your kind visit and the suggestions.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

Which likely surprises everybody lol. The way you have that line it makes it seem the rhyme is forced and also the hour-flowers alliteration is awkward in my opinion. "I pick flowers sometimes for hours" or something close to that then changing shower to showers would correct the near rhyme /alliteration thing and maintain stanza to stanza rhyme. But this ain't My poem so you are the one who must be satisfied not, I..........stan

I will sure keep this line in mind when I decide editing

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

A kid, I hit the ball to score a goal.
With messy crayons I adorn the wall.
I pick the flowers, hour after hour.
The day ends yet I'm with sufficient power.

may be

As a .....kid, I hit the ball to score a goal.
With messy crayons I adorned..... the wall.
I picked.... the flowers, hour after hour.
The day ended..... yet I was.... with sufficient power. OR ''''I HAD SUFFICIENT POWER ...

please do see the rest my views only
ask raj maybe
he is a poet better than me

to be quite honest, I wasn't happy with the first stanza either. Yet, I thought I heard someone once advised to have the whole poem written using one tense, but I might misunderstood the whole point.
I shall certainly take your suggestions into consideration, then see what others should say.
Highly appreciate your kind visit and the suggestions.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
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