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A poem of love.

Submitted by DreamBug on Sun, 2023-05-21 01:07

You have my heart and soul, darling,

You're the Odysseus to Penelope
The Heracles to my Megara
The Mark Anthony to my Cleopatra
The Napoleon to my Josephine
The Pierre to my Marie, darling.

You're my world,
My sun, moon, stars, and air.
You are like a ghost,
Haunting me with your love with every step I take,
Never leaving, till death do we part.

And even so,
Until our souls smolder out into ashes and dimmed sparks,
Our flaming love will forever be joint.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is a poem I created for someone close to me, someone I love very dearly. I hope that someday they find this and read it, gazing over it with star-struck eyes. I love you, Jet. You're my best friend.
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-05-21 01:07

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

/5

This poem attempts to capture the intensity and depth of love through the use of historical and mythological references, but ultimately falls short in its execution. The comparisons to famous couples feel forced and disconnected from the speaker's personal experience. Additionally, the language is overly dramatic and cliché, with phrases like "you are like a ghost haunting me" and "our flaming love will forever be joint" lacking originality and depth.

One suggested line edit: Instead of "you are like a ghost," consider a more unique and specific metaphor that directly relates to the speaker's experience of love. For example, "you are the sweet melody that lingers in my mind long after the music has stopped."

Overall, the poem could benefit from more personal and authentic language, rather than relying on grandiose comparisons and clichéd phrases.

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