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Personal Abuse

I remember when you smiled
You showed most of your teeth
Thinking back…
I picture it like your skull
Or when you blushed from laughter
You turned so red
Red…, red…, red…
Like the blood you drew from me
Hollow egg…
Empty shell…
But with a stomach
Filled with alcohol
Some nights it’s hard to sleep
Why did you turn out like this?
I cannot take back
What was taken from me
But if I take from you
Then I can get back to sleep
If a permanent solution is wrong
Then what is a temporary solution?
So we treat it…
Treat it…, treat it…
Red…, red…, red…
Blood smeared on the wrists
Self-destruction?
Self-mutilation?
Or temporary relief from emotional pain
Treatment… treatment…
Hollow egg…
Scraping on the inside
Finger nails against the wall
Trapped in the shell
As I begin to turn red
I visualize my skull

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
thank you for taking the time to read my work. i hope you like it...
Editing stage: 

Comments

Firstly welcome to Neopoet and I hope that your visit with us will be long and fruitful..
Before I can comment on this well written piece I would like to know how much is fact, it is hard sometimes to form an opinion on the theme of works if the actual events are not known, so I shall wait for your reply first, Yours Ian.T
PS:- the box for last few words from you can carry a little footnote to your writes saying if factual or fiction.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

want to welcome you to Neo.
I know that most poets write from personal experience.
No matter; this was a strong piece of work.
I would like to invite you to the next Chat on the Darkside
I will host it on Saturday the 26th at 9pm. until 10pm.
It usually winds up being an open chat, with suggestions
from me on subjects, rather than a themed thing, but that's alright,
we have fun! Nice work, ~ Geezer

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Thank you for saying that this is written from your own experiences it makes a bit of a difference in the comments.
Experiences of people are dealt with in so many differing ways it is so easy to cause undue hurt if these things are not known.
Remember there is a place you can tick it says treat this with a little care (Review Request (Intensity).
As to this write it is from a raw place and very good, most writes on personal experiences, always have a depth that fiction cannot reach, also remember that the writer has to take more care on presentation, use those "Review Request, Intensity boxes, they are there for a reason.
Take care out there and I look forward to your next writes,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

i like not knowing if a write is factual or not
whether it is or isn't makes no difference
to any critique i offer.

i found this a very strong piece of writing
very involving actually...it drew me right in

the structure works well with the content
thoughts in turmoil falling down the page
not random though...
the repetition of treat it, and red, work so well for me
it emphasises the sense of the protagonist's pain, and
i cannot help but feel as i read

i have an aversion to writes with every line
capitalised...just don't see why!
but that's really neither here nor there, just a personal preference

a very minor hic-up for me, are the lines
"But with a stomach
Filled with alcohol"
"with" in each line jarred a little to me...i'd suggest
an edit to maybe lose one of the withs...but that's
entirely your call
nothing 'wrong' with keeping it as is

quite a powerful first post on neo
welcome!

cheers
p

Like Beau I hate that such poetry has to be written but when its done well its a credit

I cant see that it needs to be added to or changed

kind regards Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

fine inaugural post. Pleides gave you all the crit it needs.

I look forward to more of your work.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

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