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Peripheral Vision

Submitted by jane210660 on Sat, 2017-04-15 07:33

I haven't ever included my own reading before, but felt I wanted to in this instance.
https://soundcloud.com/user-391664655/peripheral-vision

Once
in a white light moment
of such clarity,
I saw the thing
we are not meant to see,
felt a depth of knowledge
surpassing our capacity.
The curtain was lifted,
and I could see beyond
the low horizons
of human kind.
For the merest fraction of mortal time
an omniscience so fleeting,
teased my mind.

Then as quickly as it came,
it went
leaving no tangible sentiment.
No inspired cognitive awakening,
no cup of knowledge
for the taking.
No ascension to a higher plain,
no choirs of angels
with glad refrain.
Just a sense of
another dimension
a feeling of hope
a comprehension
that, in spite of man’s best intention
to bring about his own damnation
we, hold the key to our preservation
we are the means, of our own salvation.

Last few words: 
I haven't written anything in a while and then after reading one of Joe's poems, I was reminded of a fleeting experience I once had. This poem is my attempt at trying to translate something so ethereal into human terms. Jx
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Rula

Sat, 2017-04-15 10:59

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What others think !
Outstanding

Ps. Just a thought, you don't need the comma in the last line. It is just one thought I think.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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jane210660

Sat, 2017-04-15 11:11

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Thank you Mark, Audri and Rula for such positive comments.
I have always wanted to paint, but was never blessed with the slightest scrap of ability to put paintbrush to paper and produce what was in my mind.
Instead I have turned to the written word to paint and describe as best I can. With varying degrees of success!
I see what you mean about the comma in the last line Rula but I wanted a clear pause before the last few words. I've punctuated it as I read it :-)
Thank you guys for such praise, I really feel rather humbled and not entirely deserving.
Jxx

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Esker

Sat, 2017-04-15 11:55

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wow...putting a voice to author..excellent read Jayne!
my voice sucks...
but yours is confident articulate..strong!
greatly enjoyed listening to this..

Elf is on the right track by getting our physical
voices heard here and reading our own works
might do one..will see..
I think its a smashingly great idea!

nice to have a voice now when I read your
poetry!

Mr Wolf!

jane210660

Sat, 2017-04-15 12:39

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Glad you enjoyed the reading.
It sounds funny to me reading it back. Not like the voice in my head.
Jx

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fink555

Sat, 2017-04-15 13:42

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Ethereal is an appropriate way to describe this poem, but you aren't exactly having a Proust moment; you had a direct experience of reality. Those are so fleeting, though, like his Madeleine taste. A very direct piece.

lovedly

Sat, 2017-04-15 13:52

lovedly's picture

now I feel handicapped
at my
deafness

I can't hear
my ears are dead
almost like ashes
of a burnt up human
no not a corpse

Now I can feel the inadequacy
in my poetry
reading the laudable comments out here
in hope I stand
round the corner of the high hedge
hoping some one will hear me
and chase my shadow away
and say
Hello Lovedly
you too make my day today

Jayne you are magnificent
I read it
diligently!

jane210660

Sat, 2017-04-15 15:29

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Oh hunny bun, I'm not magnificent at all, I wish I were.
I just see my own flaws, magnified publically - but I chose to make them public, so all blame lies with me.
There are times Lovedly, when your poetry sings with the gods.
Jxx

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lovedly

Sat, 2017-04-15 23:45

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.....in spite of man’s best intention
to bring about his own damnation
we, hold the key to our preservation
we are the means, of our own salvation.

The whole crux lies here within
Lady Jane
/////There are times Lovedly, when your poetry
sings with the gods......''''''

True
when one s born
or takes the last flight
I sing with delight
Hope your gods
also swing
and my poetic words
happiness do bring
without a string

Keith Logan

Sun, 2017-04-16 10:53

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confidently written with all your hope for the future captured and shared. I do wish I could feel similarly but history is replete with examples of man's inhumanity to his fellow man and it is unfortunately obvious that the lessons of said history are never learned.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

jane210660

Sun, 2017-04-16 11:52

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Thank you Keith, I'm glad you enjoyed the poem even if you can't share its optimism :-)
Jx

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themoonman

Sun, 2017-04-16 13:38

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wowed, positively !!

jane210660

Sun, 2017-04-16 13:49

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For being wowed positively.
I haven't written for quite a few months and felt a bit rusty. This took some working on.
Jx

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Keith Logan

Sun, 2017-04-16 22:25

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you say that but I can tell you it does not show. It flows beautifully appearing altogether as effortlessly smooth writing.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

jane210660

Mon, 2017-04-17 04:28

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Thank you, your comment is very kind, but it prompted me to edit the 'editing stage' and change to polished draft.
I probably worked on this for three weeks or so. In poetic terms I suppose that's no time at all.The bones were in my mind, it was a case of trying to translate them into human terms. As I said, I've not been writing much of late, but reading plenty. I think in that time, my poetry writing has developed, even though I wasn't ostensibly writing anything. I feel a bit less spontaneous and more controlled at the moment, although given my nature, the spontaneity won't be far away.
One thing I have noticed, is that time is a great editor. Looking back on some earlier poems, I can see flaws that didn't occur to me at the time.
Hope you are having a good Easter.
Jx

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Keith Logan

Mon, 2017-04-17 06:31

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I could not agree more. I never slave over a poem, it has to be a joy but if I come against a wall I do as you suggest. Leave it to digest for a while. Thanks for your Easter wishes but as a JW, I never celebrate any of the pagan ceremonies masquerading as christian, this includes Christmas itself, the traditional feast of Saturnalia and in no way related to Jesus who was probably born around August. The relative relevance of the birth and death are shown in the fact that one is chronologically undocumented the other is accurate to the month, the day, the hour and even that final minute.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

vandiemenspeak

Thu, 2017-06-01 08:55

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I've been trying to read some poets earlier work and imagine my delight, when I could not only read, but also hear. The clarity of your reading really does this fine piece of writing justice, and that magical Yorkshire accent, look out Mr Armitage, all points north to Jane!
Yorkshire has a wonderful legacy of poets, Armitage, Hughes, - and I'm counting Larkin as a son of Hull, and now Steele! That 'white flash' of vision is a rare thing indeed, the clarity of language to sleekly, paint the moment here, had echoes of Larkin for me.

Sorry couldn't help suggesting - a slight softening of the middle:

No inspired cognition rising,
into some vessel,
for the taking.
No ascension to a higher plain,
where choirs of angels reign

Just a thought experiment - nothing to detract from this fine piece.

I'll have to give SoundCloud a go one day..

Thanks, very much enjoyed,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

jane210660

Fri, 2017-06-02 04:31

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Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.
I really respect your skills as a poet, so your generous praise means a lot.
I like your edit suggestion and will revisit at some point when I have more than 5 minutes spare, to play around with it.
Cheers Jx

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lovedly

Thu, 2017-06-01 13:46

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when a poetry is well composed
well orated
well done
I wish i too could have
also sung

Now on the beaches
in bikinis
holidaying
playfully playing
gals and guys gaying

all gals are found to be
swimming
I stand by shaking
should I????

Ali Zonach

Thu, 2017-06-01 13:53

yours is an impressive poem indeed. I'm stingy with my praises, but in this case -- WOW is so appropriate. Glad I read this work of yours.
Ali

jane210660

Fri, 2017-06-02 04:28

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Thanks Ali for such generous praise.
I'm flattered, although I don't know you well yet, I have realised you are a very skilled poet and your comment means a lot.
Jx

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