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To The Peasant

You are the scarecrow
that watches over the barren fields
That land
that feeds her children with thorns ;

a keeper of ducks
that never return home

You are the breath
that the old sun despises
She slaps you
With a tyrannical stare
of fate

You are the pica
that the terrestrial vulture
craves for
with a cunning tongue
at dawn

You are whom
antediluvian's bewitched face
dance to
with cheetah's feet

And when your last breath
is squeezed from your tired body
And familiar strangers
Stand by you
And memories
are held before mirror

Know that

Life's breathing place
had no space for you
That she made you
a walking corpse :

healthy maggots
never left your mouth

But
you grace life, Mr. Peasant

Style / type: 
Free verse
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Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Comments

I enjoyed your language use here.

This poem is very hard on the subject. What bothers me is, this is a "peasant". If you could tell us why you treat him like this, I will be happy.

It's a very descriptive piece you've written here. I found the grammar off with this stanza,

"You are whom
antediluvian's bewitched face
dance to
with cheetah's feet"

Basically I think this stanza is off. I'm not sure what antediluvian is doing here. Probably it's just me, but I think you should look at it again.

I particularly love these here:

"a keeper of ducks
that never return home" and

"And familiar strangers
Stand by you".

Brilliant description. Got me very attentive. Of course, the contradiction in the last line is what I want explained. Is there a reason for suddenly telling Mr. Peasant, after all you've said about him, that he graces life?

This was entertaining. :)

Welcome to Neopoet.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

'You are whom
antediluvian's bewitched face
dance to
with cheetah's feet"

''antediluvian'' is the priod of history before the floods in Biblical times. It also translates also as ''tradition' . What that stanza means is that tradition has not treated the persona fairly.

The last line is a contrast to all that has been said. His situation is bad but he has positive side too. :)

author comment

Firstly a great welcome to Neopoet and I hope your stay with us will be a good one and a long one.
We have several poets from Africa, Nigeria has two and you are the first from Ghana..
This piece is very good and portrays a picture of things we love to see, i don't mean the gory bits but the general things around you.
I look forward to your future writes, Yours Ian.T (UK)
PS:- I see that your write has a great first comment that will help you to look at this piece and learn of our teaching..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I'm from Ghana! Also, Ama was. And one other guy who posted a few poems, and never came back. :(

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

By George I had forgotten about the fact of where you are, it is the Flag on your shield that made me forget. This will give you the chance to have a group there where you are and keep us in mind as the time difference is very small,
You are only one hour ahead of us here in the UK
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I appreciate your comments.

author comment

I really liked your first post, William has offered you some good advice I cant offer more but my support, If you ever need anything or are having problems using the site dont hesitate to ask for help

sincerely Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

: ) thanks

author comment

Is now derogatory and so too e in your poem.
I loved the rhyme and tempo

:) thanks

author comment

"Peasant"
Come on this is one of the old words of the English language.
No matter what you call it, be it peasant, or poor, or lower class, the untouchables, they still smell just as sweet..
PC in most cases seem to be used to cover up reality of the average person, that some person some place has said that we must give titles to people,now covers up what we should have corrected in this modern so called civilisation.
In the UK and Ireland as we are the 5th richest country in the world there should be no need for this segregation of people it just means we are ripping people off, making children starve and homeless just so that daddy can make more money.
One small thing in the UK is that most of the poor use card in the meter for their gas and electric, did you know that they pay the highest tarrif in the UK ??? There are many things I could talk about that keep the peasant a peasant here, we should be ashamed to try and change just the name, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Golliwog to me was a doll and the black and white minstrels but now..... And nigger from negro..... Paki.....insult or shortened form?
Was it Britain who brought all this about?

Five generations removed, but I can safely say the British can be blamed for most anything.
Feel free.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I have nothing to offer in the way of suggestion, but felt the poem was carefully crafted. I don't have the affinity for free verse that others here do, so it's often difficult for me to critique. However, this IS poetry. Much free verse strikes me as "prose with line breaks" (as Jess often aptly puts). This has prosodic characteristics that separate it from prose.
Also... welcome to NeoPoet. Hope you learn from your stay.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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