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Orchestral manoeuvres in the garden

Submitted by jane210660 on Mon, 2017-06-26 18:48

A cacophony of scent
riotous notes
in unrestrained melody
assaulting the senses
with their bold overtures.

Cool elderflower plays melodious green,
overlaid with the undertones
of sensuous rose.
Strumpet orange blossom blasts
with her come hither call.
Lavender’s soft shoe shuffle adds a swing,
whilst honeysuckle sweetly strums
a classic chord.
Fiery flamenco from hot nicotiana
struts and swirls her skirts.

I cover my ears
in a sensory scented overload
and take refuge
in the kitchen.

Last few words: 
I sat in my garden this afternoon. Closed my eyes and shut the world out. This is what I saw and heard as well as smelt of course.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

jane210660

Tue, 2017-06-27 06:01

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Thanks for taking the time to comment. Always welcome.
I do think the line is better in, as removing it distorts the sense of the poem.
It was an assault on the senses, almost too much. I don't want to lose that.
Thanks Jane x

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weirdelf

Tue, 2017-06-27 08:37

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this word have been just gorgeously crafted sumptuous pastoral.

With it is soars into the realm of meaning. Our battered senses need to choose.
Well done, young Jedi.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Tue, 2017-06-27 10:02

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"Without that last stanza

this would have been just gorgeously crafted sumptuous pastoral.

With it it soars into the realm of meaning. Our battered senses need to choose.
Well done, young Jedi."

And one good revision makes a world of difference. Don't you just adore Neopoet? Having the privilege of witnessing the process.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Tue, 2017-06-27 10:33

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I used cover twice, which is sloppy.
Editing is a most useful tool.
Jx

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jane210660

Tue, 2017-06-27 10:31

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Yoda Sir.
(hope I got the title right, have to admit my Star Wars knowledge is a little splodgy).
Your critique is really appreciated - underspeak for hooray, hooray someone likes it, more specifically you do - jumps up and down in glee.
Yeah, I'm bonkers.
Jx

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vandiemenspeak

Tue, 2017-06-27 08:51

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And what a beautiful garland you make if it..! Cool elderflower, very accurate..I love the scent of elderflower, and that strumpet, how did she get in? Was this inspired by your garden Jane? Like the way it has you overcome and running for the scullery - it has a an air of the the late Victorian period..did you read Kate Greenaway's original guide? See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Language_of_flowers
I'm researching this for a collaboration project possibly down here, where such a civil subtle art was requisite in brutal times, the early colony etc.
Very ornate, and much enjoyed.

Cheers.

Chris.

PS OMD were pretty good too, Enola Gay, Electricity, If you leave. was that a reference..? One of my faves.- meaning; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPmTGFg06zA

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

jane210660

Tue, 2017-06-27 10:29

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Well I'm doing a lot of hoorays and jumping up and down, that you like my poem too.
Yes all the scents were from my garden yesterday afternoon. Warm and sunny, the perfumes ran riot. So much so, I grabbed my laptop and this just flowed - or should I say blossomed!
Anyway, it was a very heady mix - and that orange blossom, she is such a tart!
Today, as befits an English summer it's 13C, windy and rainy. I expect the blossoms have had a battering.
I looked up your reference and remembered the poem you wrote -' The hidden vocabulary' on the language of flowers. I studied aromatherapy for two years, I wasn't interested from a beauty treatment/massage point of view (could not be arsed to stand there for an hour massaging someone), but solely interested in the properties of plants. I find it fascinating that plant extracts were and synthetically still are, used for so many medicines. One teaspoon of pennyroyal is enough to kill someone you know. Rose oil is an emmenagogue, used to stimulate menstruation and should never be used around pregnant women, it can cause miscarriage. Lavender has tremendous healing properties, brilliant with burns. I got really into it at one point, but if I'm honest, have forgotten a lot.
Yes I like OMD, hence the title.
Jx

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Eumolpus

Tue, 2017-06-27 14:29

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The theme is fab and really done well I just love the references to the flowers and their chosen sound or instruments wish you had more!
As I hear it it's like an orchestra tuning up before the concert. After a few minutes I'm done and say uncle. It is only the Vienna philharmonic that just comes out and plays very unique and makes for a much more enjoyable waiting and beginning..but I don't feel it as unrestrained melody but melodies as all are doing different things or their own melody . Also as in a concert after the orchestra is finished torturing you with the cacaphony. The concert begins and you are in heaven. Is there no redemption in your garden? Take your boom box and blast berlioz at them, that will get them together!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

jane210660

Tue, 2017-06-27 15:23

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So nice to see you (metaphorically).
I completely understand how you see it. I'm not a musician and perhaps that's why I see it slightly differently. The flowers weren't tuning up, they were all in full spate, giving it fifty licks. All working against each other at times. It really was quite deafening. They are very subdued today, probably something to do with the radical drop in temperature and howling wind and rain. A typical English summer really.
Thank you for the feedback, much appreciated.
Jx

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Eumolpus

Tue, 2017-06-27 17:25

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I guess what i meant to express is when the orchestra is warming up you'll notice each player tunes out the others and just reviews certain passages or things they are working on. It's often like 50 different voices totally oblivious to the noises around them, playing their own melodies. It's not so much "tuning up". I think that's why I got that image..
On the other side of the pond all we've been hearing about is the terrible heat wave in Paris.
Here things are normal- daily floods, daily tornadoes, daily forest and prairie fires, heat so bad in Arizona they had to cancel all flights, it was too hot to fly, 127 degrees in Nevada, and hail in New England the size of tennis balls. Half the nightly news is about the weather...wonder why they don't use the word "climate"...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

weirdelf

Tue, 2017-06-27 16:43

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http://vocaroo.com/i/s1OMIslh0djo

I love reading people's work. It gives me a new perspective. On this one it emphasised the dancing. Felt almost like I was dancing with you.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Tue, 2017-06-27 17:43

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I listened and actually enjoyed the poem more than when I read it to myself.
Nice one.
Jx

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