Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.


In a swirl of the whole universe:
one simple atom by itself.
Just one nucleus and electron
bound to and circling one another
throughout eternity.

You are my nucleus.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Editing stage: 


Wish I'd thought of this one! Profound, succinct and easy to understand, Oh and soo sweet. Very nice, can't think of any thing you could do to improve it.

Excellent. :)

Love Mand xx

I'm thinking about starting to call you Hollywood (even though I know your sunglasses are worn for good reason) lol. Thank you. I try to do something real brief once in a while so people don't Always have to wade through long stuff when they see something of mine pop up. Thanks for dropping by......stan

author comment

An eternity of being, a love that is always, portrayed in few words.
A lovely grasp at a true love that is yours.
As always Ian

Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

There are a lot of thing in the universe which consist of two singular objects orbiting one another. I've used this theme and compared it to love once before in "Binary System" and got to thinking about hydrogen atoms being that way and thought with the hydrogen atom being so simple, I needed a simple poem. Appreciate the read............stan

author comment

Nucleus is singular, Nuclei being the plural,
Strange to pick one Nucleus as it consists of three Items.
A proton, a neutron, and in orbit around the two is the electron, this form is the simplest atom there is.
A binary system as two stars orbiting each other would fill the bill much better, but we will stick to your initial think.

In a swirl of the whole universe
one simple atom by itself
just one nucleus and electron
bound to and circling one another
throughout eternity.

You are my nucleus.
I would construct the lines as pertaining to the Hydrogen atom,

Two creations held
tightly bound together
Swirling magic of space.
Watched over by an electron.
Time standing still
yet moving eternity’s motions.
There an endless dance, you and me.

As my basic instinct is for the hydrogen atoms make up, I shall leave this with you to play with.
A wonderful theme and I know that you can make it work..
Take care, Yours as always, Ian..

Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Firstly, I like the flow and the simplicity of this. It is clean and reads smoothly. Poetry, like all writing, should communicate effectively first and foremost. Once you accomplish this, you can add anything you desire because people will stick around to read it and tease nuance through their interpretation.

But, of course, I have some suggestions.

1) Punctuation - You have definitive end points, and thank God for that, but you do not have flow control through additional punctuation and that leaves me having to re-read lines because the flow I expected is not the flow of the words. I've made some suggestions in [BRACKETS]

2) Your last line lacks power. After the rest of the poem, I wanted something that extended your concept rather than repeated it. Repetition can be very useful, but this is a case of both too much and too little. You use the word "nucleus" twice and, for repetition, that is not enough in such a constrained piece. I've modified the last line to illustrate what I mean.

In a swirl of the whole universe[,]
one simple atom by itself[,]
just one nucleus and electron
bound to and circling one another[;]
throughout eternity.

You are my [center, my soul, my] nucleus.

These are, of course, merely my suggestions, not instruction, so feel free to review and use in any way you decide is best, including determining that they do not fit the poem.


Jonathan Moore

I've gotten to where I usually Do use punctuation but figured this one might be explicit enough in where each pause should be that it could do without. And you're right about repeating nucleus.......But if I change one it might be the first one instead of second. I always go back and edit stuff after a while and will keep your ideas in mind when I revisit this. Appreciate the time you invested in reading and leaving helpful suggestions.....stan

author comment

Not only did you write something very different, but it was a bloody love poem.
Double whammy.
I agree with most all of Pugilist's criticisms especially the last line. His idea or different, the last line needs more romantic punch.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program

Me writing a science based love poem lol. But this is actually the second such I've written (the first is titled "Binary System).and was written quite a while back. I can't say I'm shocked that you agree with Jon about punctuation lmao. I'm likely going to add full punctuation on edit. Now as to last line....As far as the electron in a hydrogen atom is concerned, the nucleus is not only the center around which he orbits but also the only other part of the universe which really matters to him. How can one be much more romantic than that? a binary system the two bodies orbit one another and usually exchange their essences until the eventual become one..........stan

author comment
(c) No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.