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Ode to Early Flowers (April Contest)
As early flowers blush and bloom
The weary hearts long for a roam
Away from where once lived the gloom
As early flowers blush and bloom
I rush with thrush out there to loom
And bring the warmth back up to home
Where weary hearts long for a roam
Where early flowers blush and bloom
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Palestine
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I appreciate poetry that, deals with human feelings, pains and problems.
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Comments
gregwa8
Wed, 2019-04-24 14:35
inspiring poem. the grammar
inspiring poem. the grammar (unless you're trying to be poetic) is actually wrong in the sentence "my heart feels like the need to roam." the correct phrase would be "feels the need to roam". you use "feels like" often, obviously, like "feels like talking" or "feels like home". but it doesn't work in this instance, as far as I know. consider "my heart now feels the need to roam"? I like the repetition of lines in the poem as well, and the continued rhyme of "oom" throughout the poem.
Rula
Thu, 2019-04-25 13:50
Greg
your feedback is very much appreciated.
Hope the edits make more sense?
Thank you.
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author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2019-04-24 20:04
Sounds like someone just did a workshop
on auditory aesthetic values in poetry. [smiles]. This is positively melodic, Rula, beautifully written, effective use of repetition.
A couple of tweaks, Greg's suggestion was good and
And bring the beauty up to home
perhaps
And bring the beauty to my home
I actually do not like the use of the word 'beauty' in poetry ever, I wonder if you could find something better here?
Anyway a lovely piece of work.
cheers,
Jess
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Rula
Thu, 2019-04-25 13:52
Jess
The workshop was absolutely an inspiration.
Warmth insread of 'beauty'... any better?
Thank you... Thank you
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author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2019-04-27 07:27
In my (not so) humble opinion
yes, warmth is better
cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.
Mark
Thu, 2019-04-25 19:15
Smiles
Still smiling..
Still smiling..
Where early flowers blush and bloom..
Sill..........smiling :~)
~Mark~
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scribbler
Thu, 2019-04-25 19:26
Hi Rula
Driving along my driveway today and I see wildflowers of red, yellow,purple.blue and white scattered among the tall grass. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to live where I do but your poems did a good job reminding me..........stan
Rula
Sun, 2019-04-28 10:53
Thank you dear Stan
What a pleasure!
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author commentEumolpus
Thu, 2019-04-25 19:31
i think you have found
a nice devise, the sound is great.
I would personalize the poem from the outset, and tighten up some of the language. I cannot find another definition for thrush other than an oral infection...so i'm changing. As a loom is a weaving devise to make fabric, I played with that image... My take:
As early flowers blush and bloom
My weary heart longs to roam
Away from where it lived in gloom
As early flowers blush and bloom
I rush to dress in nature's loom
And bring the warmth back up to home
Where my weary heart would roam
Where early flowers blush and bloom
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
scribbler
Sat, 2019-04-27 10:30
Hi Eumolpus
A thrush is a plain brown bird just a bit larger than a mocking bird which lives in brushy and wooded area. It does a Lot of rustling around as it flips leaves and twigs over hunting bugs.
Rula
Sun, 2019-04-28 11:26
Mark!
You've a point and your suggestion is Absolutely valid.
Thanks for the feedback.
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author commentMark
Sat, 2019-04-27 12:54
yea um oops
https://www.onelook.com/?w=thrush&ls=a&loc=home_ac_thrush
~Mark~
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Rula
Sun, 2019-04-28 11:27
Thank you Mach
Always appreciate it
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author commentMark
Sun, 2019-04-28 13:51
I rush as a thrush?
I rush like a thrush???
I think you still have opportunities there Rula.
~Mark~
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Robert Leutwiler
Fri, 2019-05-24 05:57
get outside in the spring
I will have to stop commenting now since the birds are singing sweetly, especially robins, and each day I like to observe how the trails are changing colors in Connecticut. Actually I prefer Puerto Rico where the colors are bright all year long. In the rain forest, one can discover many wonders.
Thanks for inspiring me to go out and run a little.