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NOT OF THIS WORLD {Haiku version}(Spreading wings shop)

I just visit here
this "real" world people talk of
in between times with my muse.

>>>>original rhyme<<<<<
Should you see me standing still
eyes unfocused, far away
I'm visiting some wooded hill
where I walked one bygone day.

Or sitting looking at the sky
attention lost amongst the blue
perhaps emmiting a slight sigh.
I'm not really next to you.

The real me only visits here
stopping off from time to time
to check on those whom I hold dear
or dash off some short clumsy rhyme.

Beyond the trails is my true home
where trees are tall and hills are steep,
the places deer and bobcats roam
not among the human sheep.

So let me walk my wilding way
each day at least a little while
that world of green and mossy gray
which lends to me this quiet smile.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

to contemplate. It describes the heart of a true artist. Your meter and rhyme are noteworthy.

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

Have already posted your rhyming poem?

author comment

a nature scene, [that being your nature]. Only one little nit. I would delete the [short] from the line:
"Or dash off some short, clumsy rhyme". [Not that your rhyme is just clumsy], if you have another two syllable word, that would be great. Your meter is spot on, other than that. ~ Geez.
.

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.

Let me see if I can think of a two syllable word which means short.......

author comment

I was just thinking I liked that line because it is a little clumsy, which reinforces the content of the line! My little nit would be "I'm not really next to you." I feel like this is obvious, given the other lines and so it seems a little forced.

Now, I've had the pleasure of reading this little beauty in
the horrid flatness of the internet, and, the sensual tactility of an actual book,
I prefer the latter.

Nice poem, Good book.

Obi

you bought my book? The toilet paper shortage is over lol. But if you did I am surprised and thank you

author comment

Yeah man, Its a good book, you ought be proud of yourself !

Obi.

I am a bad judge of my own work. I hope you get many years of enjoyment from it

author comment

would be a terrible thing to behold

author comment

may use
brief
lol

THAT is a good alternative . Thank you

author comment

I am going to keep that line as is in order to preserve the alliteration it contains. but I DO appreciate the thought ya'll put into your suggestions

author comment
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