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My son..My sun

For you my gardens thrive and bloom,
conveying perfumes all your way.
to weave the heaven's charms on loom,
for you my gardens thrive and bloom.
The sunrise shines to glint the gloom,
and casts its rays on plots you lay.
For you my gardens thrive and bloom,
conveying perfumes all your way.

For you I garner drops of dew
aligned in awe as one by one
a crown onto the head-anew.
For you I garner drops of dew
alike the pearls when dressed by sun
adorning the face I love-my son
for you I garner drops of dew
aligned in awe as one by one.

Those flowers' scents for you I gather
embottled, wrapped with lots of care.
With odours fresh and sweet with attar
for you, unique scents I gather.
Inhale whenever dawns do scatter
the gentle glories cloak and wear
for you those flowers' scents I gather
embottled, wrapped with lots of care.

For you I catch the rainbow's glow,
in hues so bright, that often strike
and paint around when dimness flows
I catch for you the rainbow's glow,
so let the colours paint your hike
and tinge your thoughts and heart alike
The rainbow's catch for you to glow
in hues so bright that often strike.

For you I free the birds to tune
the songs composed, seraphic sound
enchant the birdcalls softly croon
for you, the birds are freed to tune.
No flaws you'd hear when birds unbound,
angels' music rocks the ground.
I free for you the birds to tune
the songs composed, seraphic sound.

For you the rain has kissed the land
and tapped it gently like a mother
who missed a child –so is the sand.
When rain has kissed the thirsty land
the drops there whispered magic utters
to quench the thirst when hot is summer.
The rain for you has kissed the land
and tapped it gently like a mother.

For you I call the coolest June,
and summon mighty clearer skies
then touch the powered stars so soon
and haunt for you the brightest moon
as insights feeding hungry eyes
to give your youthful heart a rise.
For you I call the coolest June,
and summon mighty clearer skies.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

this is really beautiful
it just needs a tad work.

read it through and you will see there are a lot of lines that are short an iamb… and a couple that have one too many (feminine ones are ok, and some of yours are feminine – but there are a couple that are not)

but did you run out of steam at the end? I would’ve liked to have seen the last stanza as a triolet too… maybe even using some of the verses from the first stanza to round the write off..

just needs a tad work – I love it
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Would you please point out those that trip so that I won't mess up.
I also used some trochaic lines which I am not sure if they work or not.

As for the end , I thought I would change to a different structure to close the poem. Doesn't fit?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I have written your poem out as it is too hard to explain when some repeated lines are ok... my suggestions are in bold... and it is only a quick edit as it is late here and i can't concentrate too well with the length of this

 

For you my gardens thrive and bloom,
sending perfumes all your way - the trochaic sort of works, but (only imo I stress) I think you need to keep the rhythm at this point in the poem, so it needs to be iambic
to weave the heaven's charms on loom,
for you my gardens thrive and bloom.
The sunrise shines to glint the gloom, - love this line
and casts its rays on plots you lay.
For you my gardens thrive and bloom,
sending perfumes all your way.

For you I garner drops of dew
aligned in awe one by one – an iamb short
a crown onto the head-anew
I garner you drops of dew.- an iamb short
Alike the pearls under the sun – meter out (PEARLS UN-der the SUN)

adorning the face I love-my son
for you I garner drops of dew
aligned in awe one by one.- ditto above

Those flowers' scents for you I gather
then bottle and wrap with lots of care - meter out (BOTT –le and WRAP)
With odours fresh and sweet with attar – love this line too
for you, unique scents I gather
– the meter is out here – but I like it
Inhale whenever dawns do scatter
the gentle glories cloak and wear
for you those flowers' scents I gather
bottled and wrapped with lots of care - ditto above

For you I capture the rainbow's glow - meter out
in hues so bright, that often strike
and paint around when dimness flows
I capture for you the rainbow's glow, - meter still out – (for you I catch the rainbow’s glow?)
so let the colours paint your hike
and tinge your thoughts and heart alike 
The rainbow's captured for you to glow - too long (nine syllables but not a feminine line)
in hues so bright that often strike.

For you I free the birds to tune
songs composed, seraphic sound – I think you can get away with the trochaic here if you want to – think about the pause it causes the reader to take)
enchant the birdcalls and croon – an iamb short
for you, the birds are freed to tune.
No flaws you'd hear when birds unbound,
angels' music rocks the ground. - ditto with what I said above re trochiac
I free for you the birds to tune
songs composed, seraphic sound.- ditto

For you the rain has kissed the land
tapped it gently like a mother – this does work
who missed a child –so is the sand.
When the rain kissed the thirsty land, - iambic out (when the RAIN)
the showers whispered magic utters
to quench the thirst and murmer - iamb short
for you the rain has kissed the land
and tapped it gently like a mother.

For you I haunt the moonlight,
and summon the clear skies
For you I catch the stars
insights feeding hungry eyes- all too short – and yes – I do think it would improve the ending to make this a triolet, as I suggested above

as I said – i love this write – I will come back with more suggestions (lol) when you edit

love judy

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

‘to send the perfumes all your way’. ‘to send the’ .. just a little awkward. can I suggest you use something different (dropping the ‘the’) 'exciting perfumes'… 'delivers perfumes'… 'conveying perfumes'…

in the second stanza the second ‘for you I garner drops of dew’ has a typo with a superfluous ‘the’

‘adorning the face I love-my son’ – nicely mixed meter

‘The rainbow's captured for you to glow’ – an iamb too long –

‘No flaws you'd hear when birds unbound,
angels' music rocks the ground’. – more nicely mixed meter

beautiful poem - and I just love the last stanza – has to be my favourite

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

enough dear judy for your continuous efforts and revises.
I am really grateful.
I am sorry it took quite a long time editing this as I was really occupied with many things the last few days . Thank you again . I'll be waiting for your new assignment.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment
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