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my Highlands

the canopy rings sweet and clear
in flutey trills of thrush's cheer
cicadas buzz narcotic waste
late summer slumbers city haste

the shade is cool and gently sways
as shaking sunlight dapples time
adorning paths of unknown days
where I return when time is mine

my darling rests not far from here
she's rested more than many year
why I recall, some find it queer
but that I know, she was my dear

oh, I am willed to search the woods
though seas and wind delivered me
perhaps, the fathers said I should
accord this odd calamity

so, step and step and stride will lead
the steps and strides that follow me
for many as the journey needs
will I invoke ahead of me

...and, oh, so tired shall I be.

beside the path, a mossy knoll
perhaps a grave from days of old
seduces weary want for rest
inviting me to be it's guest

at one end lay a rotted bough
of bugs and earthy smells and must
a place to smooth my wrinkled brow
in dreams of fallow fields and us

not long from then, and lightly closed
my eyes have traveled near that place
where lochs are painted by Munros
and fields compose her comely face

where little birds have hatched their young
and sheep and wild pigs have run
dark clouds were breached by pleasing sun
where my endeared and land are one

where ulex burns with yellow flowers
winds persist forgotten hours
highland mist surmounts the hills
transforming down in rocky rills

...and to my heart it softly spills

where moonlight creeps on living things
and chills the nakedness she sees
where, silently, her hunger brings
such carnal thoughts to creep in me

oh, far or near, this fable land
with crops of rocks and windblown fair
will come to rise beneath my hand
then soon, I'll be departing there

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I wrote this about ten years ago when I was visiting Scotland, but made some edits to make it less personal. A message from Geezer made me realize I should post again. Thomas
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

In poetry, quatrain is a verse with four lines. quatrains are popular in poetry because they're compatible with different rythme schemes and rhythmic patterns.

In the poem, the appearance of alternate rhymes like: AA, AB, CD ,CD etc brings beautification to the poem. It is simple and straight forward, suited to the simple message of the poem. it also creates a cynical pattern that reflects the events of the poem.

Trisk, you really penned well. Your dictions are carefully chosen. While reading through it seems endless yet, is simple and reach to the best of my knowledge.

I have not been to Scotland ever before, but through the images that appears in the poem. Highlands presents a mountenous hill land area that houses all manner of land animals etc

I think there's reflection in the poem. Perhaps the death of a loved one died years ago.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

very observant (I'm not sure how to address you) Cosmos. You are correct, and thank you for your detailed critique. I am trying to help revive structured poetry because I feel it can be more beautiful than the more popular styles being used today. I hope this poem is a good example of that. I feel that if something is worth being expressed, it should be given genuine effort with the focus on doing better every time you write.
I feel I have a long way to go yet, but getting there. I hope I will inspire others to try harder, too.
Thanks again for your critique.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

You're highly welcome. I love your presentation. It was a good verse indeed.
Good job!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

I am glad you enjoyed my poem. I hope I can do the same many more times. Cheers!

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

I like structured poetry much more than any other. I think that those who try and fail at writing rhyme, or say that it seems too hard, do not take into consideration that rhythm plays a big part in rhyme. It becomes much easier, if you have the basics of rhythm and a really good vocabulary. Knowing which words have the same or about the same meaning can make or break a rhymer! Also knowing how to structure a sentence so that certain words can be utilized can be a big help. Anyway, I like your piece very much and it seems as though it might have been written in another century. Well done, Sir! ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I think that in writing structured, rhyming poetry, it takes a special blend to get people to read through the whole thing and enjoy it completely. The mystery always lies in wondering if it does.lol.
I believe it comes through practical experience and perseverance and testing by fire.
Yes, rhythm has a large part in it also as well as a large vocabulary pool.
So, as usual, you're correct on every point and that is why I enjoy reading you as well.
Cheers, Geezer!

Thomas

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.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

lots of memory problems and so don't remember technical terms and such, but I do hang on to the basics and rudimentary skills, and I know what I like. I like your stuff! ~ Geez.
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It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

This displays how near rhyme can work if not over used. This also has some good alliteration. I think the few single lines resulted in a reader being given a pause to soak in the meaning in doses. Now like most poetry there are some flaws. By reading this out loud you will become aware of them and then decide whether or not to edit. BTW i enjoyed this or I'd not have commented lol

This version of the poem I edited from an earlier piece really is that. There are several things I nitpick about it, and I really respect your input and the time you took to read and comment on it. So, thanks for that.
Geezer had pointed out in one reply to me, he wished I wrote more, so that's what I came up with. I am currently in the middle of another piece and I feel kind of bad, if that says anything.

Cheers, scribbler!

Thomas

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.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment
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