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Just like this

I wrote your name in caps and bold
on sheets of gold
to simply glow
to tell and show.

You wrote my name on withered sand
with shaky hand
when winds then blew
and left no clue.

So guess in peace you forced my heart-
my dearest part
to face a fate
before its date.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
A minute poem.
Editing stage: 

Comments

This was unusual for you a little factual and loose..
The references are fine and the theme good but to me the words could have had more strength.
Hope you are OK out there your output seems less the last few weeks or is it just me.
Take care of you, Yours as always, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thank you. You are right . I think this is due to form it-self. It is more for humorous subject as the lines are really short but I couldn't come up with anything funny. I might think of something else later on that suits this form. Untill then this is all I have .

P.s. As for being inactive, I have been to Jordan for a week as a short quick vacation and I am still out of writing mood.Hope I'd be back soon .
Thanks for your concerns sir.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

Lovely to have you return safe form your Homeland.
Your progress through the Neopoet workshops and learning is an example to us all.
I only wish that I was really young enough, to be able to learn all this about poetry.
I have for years just scribbled in a notebook and on the computer also written pieces for individuals, so I would have loved to have been able to put the words in their correct forms.
I is not "Sir" just Ian, as I can I hope, call you Rula, titles are for those others that need such things, lol
You take care as you are worth such a lot to our site, and there is no hurry to write, it is of the heart not from necessity..
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

A rather different poem well done that's creative indeed,
The only thing that stopped me, was the word SHADE
the logic of it just there bothered me.
otherwise I thought it a good one Rula,
Love to you, from Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

many thanks for pointing out what bothers you here. I am really happy you've dropped in your comment. Both yours and Ian's enlightened my way to this new form. Any better now?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I have to agree with Ann on this one it is a rather different form but I really loved the format you have made me think I may try and write one in a similar format
I liked this one as well nicely done

kindest regards JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

many thanks for giving the time. So happy that you like it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

sorry i have been so long in commenting - i am having trouble with both my computer and my muses
- my computer is playing up and my muses are sulking for some reason... and making me disinterested in writing or reading poetry at the moment.... they will get over it eventually - i think they think i just need a break lol

anyway - back to the wite - as i said i really like it - it is whimsical or wistful or some such emotion i just can't quite describe... and i think it fits the form perfectly

i tried to read the revisions, but they are not clear - however, it seems annanya gave you some good advice here xxx

love judy
xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Very strange how we share the lost of muses . I've been trying to find a subject for the last exe. but couldn't till this time . I hope it won't last long.
I am happy to know that you liked this one. It was a great fun to try new forms indeed.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

Goes to show what I know about different forms. Until I read comments I thought this just another free verse lol.One minor change might clarify what you mean to convey. 1st line of last stanza try changing So to I.
Now if you still want to inject humor, you might add a stanza stating what revenge you intend.....................stan

lol - please read the instructions for the different forms before suggsting additions - this one does not cater to a further stanza :)
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Didn't catch that this was a shop poem lol. So I now retreat to wash egg from face.............stan

Any way I appreciate your suggestions and the nice visit.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

This is so neat, I came back and really love it,
as judyanne says somewhere here, its difficult
to say exactly what it means, but that leaves
us, the readers to make their own conclusions,
and that is a sign of great poetry, just as it is with
great art of any kind, the interplay of spectator
and audience, is what makes the electricity of
art send flames of recognition deep into the heart.

And like the single rose,
the single leaf,
being short, it floats into the mind
on the wings of your verse, and lodges there,
to be enjoyed like a gem, or much loved stone
in ones pocket, brought out and looked at again and again.

Love Ann- annanya.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

I add a bit...

The only thing I don't like about it is the CAPS; BOLD,
they stand out as too important, in the visual grasp of
the poem, wouldn't caps and bold, be descriptive enough.
even if the feel strong.

Love Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

i agree with annanya's added bit :-)
'caps' and 'bold' need to be in the same case and style and as the rest of the poem xx
'

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

edited as suggested . Thanks for the second thoughts..:)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

Oh yes, oh yes dear Rula.
You know, the only word that now prevents this from being GREAT is withered,
as I cannot make sand withered in my mind, it isn't made of stuff that can wither.
so its just the logic of it.

I love it, I think it GREAT poetry.

Love to you from Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

'withered sand' is perfect - it was one of the things that sold me on the first read
have you never been to the desert my lady of the northern lights?
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Ah the only meaning I can see is weathered
from whence the word withered came, but that's archaic.
It must be an accepted word to describe something
curled and dry as well as sand in Australian.

This poem hasn't used unusual words otherwise
illogical words, if it was made up of such one
wouldn't react to the withered, but I still do.

Sorry,
love to you judyanne, I hope all is well with you,
in your Summer dress, annanya.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

many thanks for your thoughts. It might seem unusual to use withered with sand but i thought anything that has beauty could wither one day.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment
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