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If I Die Young

Submitted by Shelby Pryor on Fri, 2023-03-03 13:51

If I don't get to live a full life
If I don't get to fulfill my days
All I ask of you is don't forget me
Don't forget all my quirky ways

Don't cry for me, that won't help
Don't wish I'd taken things slow
You wouldn't be grieving my loss
If you could see what I finally know

Don't wear black to my funeral
Wear white and yellow and red
It would hurt me to see you in pain
Please don't cry, I'm not really dead

I'm alive in the rush across a horse's mane
I'm alive in the words of this pen
And if you keep your act straight
One day I promise you we'll meet again

I pray that it will be some time still
I hope God lets me live to accomplish my dream
But if that isn't His will, don't doubt Him
Things aren't ever as bad as they may seem

So when the day comes for that final ride
When the last page of my story is written and done
Let my legacy live on through my words
Remember me and smile If I Die Young

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2023-03-03 14:36

Geezer's picture
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Your title is good and the language use is likewise good.
The rhythm and pattern is a bit ragged, but I think that you can fix it easily.
I like the theme and the internal logic is fine and connects the beginning and end rather well.

I would suggest that you read it to yourself aloud, and you can see the stumbles.
Most generally, they can be fixed by subtracting a word or adding one, or maybe using a different word
that means the same. Of course, if you are rhyming, you may have to rewrite the line.

[Try: Remember, and smile if I die young.] Just as an example.

I feel that this write is worth it. Overall, I like it! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Shelby Pryor

Fri, 2023-03-03 20:17

Shelby Pryor's picture

Thank you for the suggestions, I really appreciate it!

author comment

Shelby Pryor

Sun, 2023-03-05 00:59

Shelby Pryor's picture

Glad you agree! Thank you!

author comment
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