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I was lucky

Submitted by Hon on Sat, 2023-07-15 20:56

A far away I came
to this land
of opportunity
known as America
with an empty-handed
claim as a refugee
Through the
embrace of
the lady statue of Liberty
she opened her arms
with grace and humanity
in welcoming me
Into her diverse home
Instilled me with
the meaning of freedom
inspiring me to pursue
for my dreams
reaching for the
potential goals
and never give up
I owe much to her
for the hope
that it was given
filled me with a
sense of gratitude
And a privilege
to call this place
my second home

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

July 2023 Challenge I was lucky

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-07-16 03:00

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses the narrative form to convey a personal journey of immigration and the subsequent feelings of gratitude and belonging. The use of the Statue of Liberty as a symbol of hope, freedom, and welcome is a powerful choice that resonates with many readers familiar with its significance.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The use of language could be more precise and evocative. For instance, the phrase "potential goals" is somewhat vague. Consider using more specific language to convey what these goals might be. This would add depth to the narrative and allow readers to connect more deeply with the speaker's experiences.

The poem's rhythm and flow could also be enhanced. The inconsistent line lengths and the abrupt changes in rhythm can make the poem feel disjointed. Experimenting with consistent line lengths or a more regular rhythm could improve the poem's musicality and make it more engaging to read.

Lastly, the poem's theme of gratitude is clear, but the speaker's personal transformation could be more fully developed. The speaker mentions being inspired to pursue their dreams and never give up, but it might be more impactful if the poem showed this transformation through specific experiences or events. This would make the speaker's journey feel more real and relatable to readers.

In summary, while the poem effectively communicates a personal narrative of immigration and gratitude, it could be improved by using more precise and evocative language, refining the rhythm and flow, and more fully developing the speaker's personal transformation.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Sat, 2023-07-29 10:26

I think...

this is a great piece of work. I don't know as I would change a lot, other than make a few changes in some lines to have them read a little better.

[who] opened her arms.

[Instilling] me...

delete [in] welcoming me...

[all] my dreams...

[and] reaching for [my] potential goals...

[Never] giving up

[filling] me with...

Of course, as always, these suggestions are yours to use, abuse or excuse as you see fit. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Jenifer James

Sun, 2023-07-30 02:13

I liked this very much

I agree with Geezer: you may enjoy word trimming and playing with words for added meaning and connection with the reader,
or this may be your poem! I really like it, not just the theme of gratitude (beautifully done) - but that genuine feeling of hopefulness... of a future. Lovely.

Jenifer Jaspa James

RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-07-30 20:05

Great poem

And wonderful story. Thank you for sharing.

~RoseBlack~

Neopoet

I was lucky