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Housebroken

Broke out of the house, now I am loose,
walking White Ave. sipping a juice,
avoiding sidewalk cracks, needing a chew,
I search my pocket through and through,
pull out a Peppermint stick,
unwrap it real quick,
car tires ticking,
flip-flops flipping,
people walking,
Old Strathcona talking,
once silent pavement bursts with noise,
as old men show off there toys,
convertibles converted,
Christian perverted,
walking society,
such variety,
human condition,
in multiple transition,
of their steps and their minds,
a kaleidoscope of mankind,
some ignoring flashing light warnings,
amongst rush hour curses and scorning,
but today is a Peppermint stick day,
as humankind stickhandles it's way,
down White Avenue,
enjoying my day,
enjoying my chew.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
White Avenue is in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. A great place to live and get inspired. In other words it is really funky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Editing stage: 

Comments

nice rhymes

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

nice rhyming job. that speaks the truth.

More of a rap song Trekker, I tried it out as a rap song it was really nice.I see in the piece someone trying to quit crack and using as a replacement peppermint sticks.I really hope I am right.
"As old men show off there toys"
The "there" there could it have being a typo?
A stunning piece, well woven and thanks for sharing.

Thankyou for your comments, you are kind.

author comment

Thankyou for your comments, you are kind.

author comment

Nice poem. Did you mean "their toys"?
Cool character doesn't need to show off.
Just enjoys being.
Love the type.

IRiz

I've just read all your poems so far, and enjoyed them a lot, you've got a great sense of imagery, people and life.

I notice that apart from the wonderful "Lying In Bed, Just Like Brian Wilson Did" and the lovely prose poem "Angel In a Tree" all your works are in rhyming couplets. You are aware that there are many different types of rhyming schemes, aren't you? If couplets are described as AABB then alternate rhyme is ABAB, bracketed rhyme is ABBA, to name just two more.

Couplets create a certain expectation in the reader and detract from some themes and styles. Couplets can often seem to trivialise a deep or serious work.

And were you aware that rhyme is one of the lesser tools in the poet's toolbox? Meter is of far more significance to the feel and style of a poem and more subtle tools include assonance and consonance. We run workshops on various aspects and you can always browse and still contribute to 'concluded' workshops at
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/find/archive
two I would especially recommend are
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/meter-our-friend
and
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/meter-workshop

This is my first comment on your works, I'm going back now to the neglected "Trust" and will come back to your other works when I can. I strongly recommend you read of lot of the classic poets, I suspect you might like The Beat poets like Ginsberg, Kerouac and Ferlinghetti.

Oh and when you decide to edit any of your works just click on the 'Edit' tab above the title but don't forget to backup your revisions on your own computer! When you do this a new tab 'Revisions' appears which allows us follow the evolution of a piece and yourself to revert to earlier forms if you change your mind.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

A vivid portrait with some pertinent insights although I think the pacing could be controlled a bit more, see my references in previous comment to meter.

And as Iriz pointed out, 'their toys'.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

My writing is a mystery to me. I thank for your kind words and suggestions,I will check it out. I know the rhyming is a issue but it just won't stop. It keeps me awake at times and so it is really mystifying when a different style just suddenly appears. I will post more prose pieces. I value your comments and advice. Thank you

author comment
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