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Hear The Music
Last night I wrote the music
About that which I hold dear,
Lasting peace and brotherhood
For all the world to hear.
As the orchestra gets seated
Maestro with baton in hand,
Brings forth the peaceful notes
To be heard across our land.
Horns are first to have their say
Inviting all to hear their peal,
Joyful noise to touch the soul
For all to celebrate and feel.
Next the strings can soon be heard
Perfectly rendered sounds of hope,
Strings and bows in perfect harmony
Lend their gifts of unmatched scope.
Now the instruments of percussion
Lend their wondrous beats of sound,
As drums and symbols ebb and flow
Thoughts of lasting peace abound.
The sweet refrains from woodwinds
Suggest origins from high above,
The softest notes one can imagine
Provide the sounds of worldly love.
The music builds to a crescendo
To leave its final hope filled mark,
Sounds of brotherhood still linger
The baton makes its final arc.
Tonight the orchestra was perfect
Sadly, there will be no final bow,
The music that I wrote last night
Just a hope filled dream for now.
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How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Is the internal logic consistent?
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neopoet
Tue, 2024-01-09 20:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem, "Hear The Music," effectively uses the metaphor of an orchestra to convey a message of peace and brotherhood. The structure of the poem is consistent, which aids in maintaining the flow of the narrative. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.
Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more varied use of language. There are instances where the same words or phrases are repeated, such as "peace" and "brotherhood." While repetition can be a powerful tool in poetry, overuse can lead to redundancy and dilute the intended impact. Exploring synonyms or related concepts could enhance the depth and richness of the poem.
Secondly, the poem could delve deeper into the metaphor of the orchestra. While the different sections of the orchestra are mentioned, the unique characteristics of each instrument could be further explored to strengthen the metaphor. For instance, the poem could delve into how the different sounds produced by each instrument contribute to the overall harmony, paralleling the unity in diversity that is often associated with peace and brotherhood.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more impactful ending. The current ending, while poignant, leaves the reader with a sense of despair. If the intention is to inspire hope, the poem could end on a more optimistic note, perhaps by suggesting that the "hope filled dream" is within reach or is worth striving for.
Overall, the poem has a strong central metaphor and a clear message. With some refinement, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Tue, 2024-01-09 21:03
Hear The Music
Hello, Will,
How lovely. Each instrument has a beautiful passage of peace and hope of its own, but the idea of harmony building to the crescendo is fantastic. I especially love the woodwinds. I sense you know a great deal about the components of an orchestra. Poignant final line.
Thank you!
L
William Lynn
Tue, 2024-01-09 22:36
Hello Lavender.
Hello Lavender.
Thank you for reading the poem and for your comments. I am no musician but I do love music. Music can heal when other means may not. At the very least, music can sooth the soul, and that may just be enough!
Best wishes. - Will
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2024-01-10 11:12
I like...
that each section of the orchestra has their own message.
It gives one the sense that if everyone would stop and listen for a moment,
we could put all of our problems to bed; music has the means to soothe the soul.
You are missing an [r] in strings.
For the most part, this sticks very closely to a six-seven beat meter, with occasional eights.
You might be able to smooth out the rhythm just a little more, but it's mostly good.
[I think I would go over it at least once to see where I could cut a syllable or two].
Nice job, ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
William Lynn
Wed, 2024-01-10 13:00
Hi Geeze.
Hi Geeze.
Thanks for the read and for the suggestions. I have corrected the missing "r" in strings and will look over the rest of the poem to see what I can accomplish.
Thanks again, much appreciated! - Will
author commentRoseBlack
Wed, 2024-01-10 23:18
I love this
Such an elegant and descriptive way to describe the music you wrote and all its parts. I know too well about chasing the musical dream. Well done.
~RoseBlack~
William Lynn
Wed, 2024-01-10 23:39
Thank you Rose. I'm so glad
Thank you Rose. I'm so glad you enjoyed the poem. I am not a musician but I love music and the impact it can have on lives.
Back in the early 60's, I was a member of a folk music trio in college and we had some LIMITED success in the Southern California folk music scene, but that is ancient history.
With that said, music can heal, give direction, and sooth the soul. It also can lend itself to poem, especially when writing lyrics which are usually just poems set music.
Thanks again. - Will
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2024-01-11 07:39
Dear William,
Your poem is smooth as silk... I love reading your poems. For how long have you loved poetry?
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
William Lynn
Thu, 2024-01-11 21:15
Hello Cat. How goes the
Hello Cat. How goes the recovery? Hope all is progressing smoothly.
I first started writing poetry in response to a poem contest in the Stars and Stripes newspaper, Asian Edition, for a poem about the Viet Nam war. I was stationed in Viet Nam at the time and submitted a poem. The poem , "At What Price War" won the contest and I received a $25.00 savings bond. While that wasn't a huge sum, I was only making $97.00 a month, including combat pay, so it helped a lot. The love affair started then. It was 1965, which is a long winded answer to your question.
Thanks for your kind comments! Best Wishes - Will
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2024-01-12 09:02
A Buck Is A Buck!
and it helps out to build up the self-esteem! Thank you for taking the time to tell me about it :) I have not thought about the Viet Nam war since its cessation. What branch of the service were you in? Not that it makes a difference, I am just curious. I do not often get to ask questions about that war. Most of my friends from that period, are out of my life. They had sour attitudes without knowing what they were talking about!
I was 14 in 1965. I was also precocious. and way ahead of my time, or so I was told.
*love, Cat
p.s.
the toe remains broken...I aggravate it often
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
William Lynn
Fri, 2024-01-12 11:17
Howdy and good morning.
Howdy and good morning.
I was in the Air Force from 1963-1967. I was stationed both in Thailand and Viet Nam in 1964 and 1965. I was a conventional and nuclear weapons technician, working on bombs, rockets, guns, missiles, etc.
That war, like all wars, was difficult to understand or justify. As young folks being led by old folks thought we were doing our good duty. I don't dwell on it but I often think about the futility of all wars and the idiots that think there are any winners.
Today the middle east tomorrow who knows where? Be well, be kind, be safe. - Audios, Will
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2024-01-12 12:32
Dear Will,
I hope I have not harmed you by my questions. I hope I have not taken you to a place you did not want to go, by asking. I think your poetry is marvelous and I am glad that you have joined Neopoet. I enjoy your poems and thoughts.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
William Lynn
Fri, 2024-01-12 16:55
Hi Cat.
Hi Cat.
Absolutely no worries. I am proud to have served my country, honorably. I don't mind talking about it at all. I think we all need to reflect on the good, bad, and everything in-between upon occasion. As for poets, I think that makes all of us better.
I also think any poet worth their salt often gives occasional hints into their soul. If not, how could we possibly write poetry that anybody wants to read. We put or hearts and our souls into poems along with our life experiences and observations. Lucky Us! - Will
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2024-01-12 17:16
Dear Will,
Thank you for answering my questions. My husband served in the Navy. He enlisted at a time when it was not popular. but that did not stop him. He quit school/college to enlist. His father was not happy with him for doing so. But Steven wanted to take charge of his own life.
I think you have had a most interesting life. There is probably a whole lot of poetry in you. I will love reading it!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.