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The Guy With The Stick
There once was a guy, (the Grim Reaper)
who worked for the sovereign gatekeeper,
creepy and blithe,
carried a scythe,
a stick with a blade for a sweeper.
He tapped at my door last eve,
skank, creaky bones up his sleeve,
clanked when he pointed,
crudely disjointed,
they fell to the floor with a heave.
He slithered along my hand,
with my fist, I took a stand,
stared down his face
(dank, putrid space).
Thwack! I left him canned.
Juggling his bones like a clown,
he hightailed his shroud out of town.
Determined to live,
I threatened to give
another right hook to his crown.
Here I sit, lim'rick ended.
GR is gone - how splendid!
If he comes near,
I'll try not to fear,
'less my soul's apprehended!
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Revision: Thank you, Thomas, for much needed help. Still a work in progress, I realize!
L
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
United States
Favorite Poets
I tend to read Ted Kooser, Jim Harrison, Paul Simon, Robert Frost. I like minimalist poetry, and poems reflecting on nature and Mother Earth.
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Comments
Triskelion
Wed, 2023-09-06 03:17
Quite a different take..
..in your jovial limerick of such a morose dude. It was great to see him smacked down in a flurry of anapestic hooks and jabs to a pile of clattering bones! Great fun!
I see you're still working on it, so I'll hold any critique/ suggestions for later.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Lavender
Wed, 2023-09-06 09:55
Hello, Thomas!
I am so grateful you've stopped by. I posted an original poem yesterday morning - so happy that I got the aabba rhyme, while completely oblivious to the meter. Tried to fix it, stumbled blindly, deleted the original and came back with this. Not satisfied with the flow - limerick meter (true limerick) seems to confound me, and I know you are a fantastic limerick-style poet. I'm pulling out of the contest simply because I am now more interested in your (and everyone's) help with this style. I would love to somewhat master the limerick. (It's beating me up...) I would be so grateful!
Thanks, again, for reading and commenting!
L
author commentTriskelion
Wed, 2023-09-06 12:08
No need to...
..to pull out of the contest if you have perseverance. The basic rule is the same as any rhymed, metered poem. The words employed must be used the same as they are spoken naturally and edit, edit, edit and edit again.lol
Your poem has a wonderful, clumsy feel to it, so might be worth pursuing.
Let's look at the first line.
There once was a grim guy named Reaper
...Naturally, one would read
There ONCE was a grim GUY named REAPer
an extra syllable there trips the metre and you can't fake the metre, either...
If words are simply rearranged/ replaced you can have
There ONCE was a GUY (the grim REAPer)
which sort of sets up a comedy atmosphere because the main character is being targeted in a questionable manner with the parentheses.
The traditional "there once was a" at the beginning is a good and safe way of starting a limerick, because it is foolproof, time-tested and immediately identifies the following piece as a limerick.
Really entertaining limericks are not easy to write, but I addictively enjoy the challenging form. Best to write a hundred dogs with proper metre than struggle writing a gem...I'm rambling now...just have fun!
Cheers Lavender!
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Lavender
Wed, 2023-09-06 14:22
Thank you so much, Thomas,
for your much needed help! I think I'm gonna remain out of the contest with this one and really concentrate on any suggestions given. I have found limericks are much harder to write than they look. This will be a learning poem for me. (I can tell, though, that it will be fun!)
Thanks again, Thomas!
L
author commentLavender
Sun, 2023-09-10 20:29
Hello, Thomas,
Writing a limerick is hard-ess,
a form of highest regard-ess,
I may get it right,
but try as I might,
it's a challenge for this bardess!
Thanks for your help, Thomas! I may let this one rest a bit and return later. I love a challenge, and limericks are kicking me!
L
author commentpaul Bartoswicz
Wed, 2023-09-06 13:07
Love it
Very Creative
Lavender
Wed, 2023-09-06 14:24
Hello, Paul,
A work in progress! So happy you enjoyed it!
Thank you!
L
author commentTriskelion
Sun, 2023-09-10 11:10
S4..
...has the best metre so far and is the most humorous. Keep it up!
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
RoseBlack
Sun, 2023-09-10 13:14
This Is Fantastic!!!
I love everything about this! The dark undertones mixed with humor is great! As much of a terrible reputation Grim has, he is quite the character. There are so many different scenarios and personas that he can take on! You nailed it!
~RoseBlack~
Lavender
Sun, 2023-09-10 20:32
Thank you, Carrie,
It's funny what shows itself when you sit down to write! I am having fun with this, still learning.
Thank you!
L
author commentRuby Lord
Mon, 2023-09-11 04:58
Great fun and very enjoyable,
Great fun and very enjoyable, I think you are almost there in terms of metre. Very appealing because of the familiarity and the flow. Ruby :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Lavender
Mon, 2023-09-11 09:19
Hello, Ruby,
I'm really baffled with the precise timing of limericks - I know it has to be just right. (For me, it's harder than it looks.)
Thanks for reading and helping with this!
L
author commentClentin
Tue, 2023-09-19 03:42
I enjoyed your poem very much
I enjoyed your poem very much. Writing a limerick seems to be difficult, a form I looked at but yet to try.
You have done a great job!
Lavender
Tue, 2023-09-19 13:48
Thank you, Clentin,
It is a trial for me, for sure. I know there is a very defined pace that flows best, and I just cannot seem to hop on board with it very easily. But I'll keep trying!
Thank you so much for reading!
L
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