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Grieving

Submitted by jane210660 on Tue, 2016-07-05 18:41

I know you are not here.
I can not see you
or hear you
or talk to you.

I live my life
same old ways.
It still runs on those tracks you laid down
so quietly.

I laugh, smile,
sigh and frown,
getting on with the everyday.
Then, from nowhere
it comes,
that crushing blow
leaving me numb
with grief.

I can not move or speak.
Mind locks on the
small, frail man
in the hospital bed.
That room,
those last minutes.
We were all there
time suspended.

It's not the dull ache of grieving
that troubles me.
It's that heart searing moment
when I realise
You have gone.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2016-07-05 22:37

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"comes the pole axing blow
leaving me numb"
A pole axe is a weapon that slices people to pieces. It does not "leave people numb". Get your metaphors right.
I am a mediocre poet, freely admitted, also a highly educated caring critic who chooses to help, with care and compassion, no matter how much it may seem not to be so. But get your language, metaphors, symbols, semiology right.

What I just wrote was callous and cruel. I apologise. Nonetheless poetry is the most exacting form of art. It allows no room for sentimentality or trite sloppy language.
Hmmm, I seem to be returning to my old form. Please understand that poetry is the most exact, perfect art-form.
I try to maintain those standards, even at times sacrificing kindness.
Also understand that I do care, "suffer" from empathy, and try to help.
With care,
Jess

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Wed, 2016-07-06 06:53

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Not offended in the slightest, but I think you're wrong. A poleaxing blow, is one that pulls you up short. It's used as a metaphor for a shocking blow.
To be poleaxed is, besides its literal meaning, to be deeply, seriously shocked, struck dumb in effect. Cheers Jx

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weirdelf

Wed, 2016-07-06 06:59

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Always ready to admit when I wrong.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Wed, 2016-07-06 07:02

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Thanks Jess, glad you see how I meant it - of course you don't have to like it :-) :-) :-)
Jxx

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judyanne

Wed, 2016-07-06 00:46

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But that's just Jess -- poetry is his mistress --

First two stanzas are great

For the next I suggest something more like:
I laugh and smile
just getting on with it.
Then, from nowhere
it comes,
leaving me numb
with grief.
'It comes ..... you say what in the next stanzas.... but here catch the audience - 'what comes?'.....

I also have trouble with
'Momentarily I can not speak.'
Prose..... make it more poetic with descriptive why you can't speak
'a huge lump of something
dark and full of pain and sadness
suddenly fills my throat.
I cannot speak if I try.'

One last thing
'time momentarily suspended' --
i would drop the 'momentarily' -- not needed imo sounds more powerful without....

Love the final stanza...
great poem Jane
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

weirdelf

Wed, 2016-07-06 01:32

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Regard me as a (piece of work) in process.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Wed, 2016-07-06 06:26

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Thank you for the suggestions as ever, always much appreciated.
This was written a few weeks after my Dad died. It is meant to be raw and intense, not so polished, but it's not quite there yet.
Jess, you are right in the definition of poleaxe as a noun, but it is also used as a verb, meaning to strike down - as I was by grief. Here is the definition from the free dictionary. I stand by my choice of word.
Verb 1. poleax - fell with or as if with a poleax
poleaxe
fell, strike down, cut down, drop - cause to fall by or as if by delivering a blow; "strike down a tree"; "Lightning struck down the hikers"

Judy, i'm not keen on 'a huge lump of something' to my mind that is wooden and well..... lumpy. Agree time suspended does not need momentary, hadn't clicked that I'd already used it.
Will have a little tinker and see what comes up :-) I think it might take a while to get just right. Jxx

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jane210660

Wed, 2016-07-06 07:19

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Have started to edit. Picked up on a few of your suggestions Judy. Jx

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judyanne

Wed, 2016-07-06 08:34

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And yes.... I didn't expect you to use my example -- was just trying to show what I meant by descriptive ....
Actually, I still don't really like 'poleaxing blow'.... but I have no real suggestions apart from my original....I'm not even sure why I don't like it..... sorry
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

jane210660

Wed, 2016-07-06 08:49

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That's fine you don't like it, at the moment I do, but that's not to say it will stay :-) I wanted the strength of being brought to the knees. I was talking to Mick (my OH) about it. I asked him what the word conjured up to him. Oh round here he said, it was the way all cattle were killed until the turn of the last century. A spike on a pole was driven through the centre of the cow's forehead with great force, thus bringing the poor beast to its knees. The same method is apparently used today but done mechanically. Sorry I know not the nicest of images, but apparently quick........ Hence round here, the term to be poleaxed can also mean to be brought to the knees.
Not done with editing yet, just walking away from it for a wee while so I can look at it with fresh eyes. Jxx

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jane210660

Wed, 2016-07-06 13:30

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For now, poleaxe has been axed, just playing around with it. jxx

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lovedly

Wed, 2016-07-06 13:51

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Silence conveys

At times
silence
is valued much more
you know why

just place a hand
on her /his shoulders
it conveys

Silence alone speaks
a tear falls
love is spread
between two souls
your and hers/his

silence at times
is bliss
more than a peck
a kiss
silence is!

jane210660

Wed, 2016-07-06 14:04

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I really like this poem Lovedly. You are definitely on a roll at the moment. Jxx

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lovedly

Wed, 2016-07-06 16:01

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when I am serious
I am
very serious you will gradually know me
jane madam

alidzain

Sun, 2016-11-27 12:42

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English is not my native language so I just want to ask. Shouldn't "can not " be a single word? Apart from that, this poem is filled with imagery and emotion.

Alid

jane210660

Sun, 2016-11-27 18:59

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Can not, can be abbreviated to can't. Both are correct forms, but I didn't want to use an abbreviation here. Can not is quite grammatically correct.
Glad you dropped by and thanks for taking the time to read. Jxx

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Geezer

Tue, 2017-03-14 16:30

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tribute could be made to your dad. This is a poem of sensitivity and respect. I caught the reference to your father's parenting right away. " I still live my life same old ways
following the same old tracks
that you laid down
so quietly"

Nothing to crit. ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

jane210660

Wed, 2017-03-29 07:37

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Thanks Gee
Your nothing to crit means a lot to me. Jx

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weirdelf

Wed, 2017-03-15 08:29

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poetry is not my mistress.
I am poetry's bitch.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Wed, 2017-03-29 07:33

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Sorry Jess, know you don't like lol, but really this made me smile. Jxx

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Esker

Wed, 2017-03-15 16:08

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this is awesome!
totally focused writing
yah...when their gone
as in not in your life

even if they just moved
away ....or like my mom
dad...gone....

i felt this one...the gut
level...

Thank U Jane!

Esker!

jane210660

Wed, 2017-03-29 07:36

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I've just re read this, thanks to the new comments and it brings back that fresh, raw grief with such an intensity.
I have tweeked and twiddled with it and for now am going to leave it alone. I may re visit it one day though and decide it needs a rewrite. Jxx

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weirdelf

Wed, 2017-03-29 21:04

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about the pole-axe word-choice crit.
And admitted it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Thu, 2017-03-30 09:25

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I didn't back down from pressure Jerry, by the time I had finished fiddling around with it, poleaxe was redundant.
But........... you never know with fiddling - sorry editing, it may well re surface in another incarnation.
If nothing else, it sparked interesting debate about the use of the word and in my book, that's good.
Jxx

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jane210660

Thu, 2017-03-30 09:25

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Posted twice, clumsy mutt - me that is. Jx

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Esker

Wed, 2017-03-29 18:09

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i did finicky sign painting...
and then yard ape work
construction jobs....
sling and bring activity
then the bit of both
a cast iron stove..enamel
paint...hook up chimney
put on heat shields
drill self tapping screws
for double wall chimney
to ceiling stainless one
inch insulated...
seven thousand dollars
worth of product...thirty
dollar rechargeable drill
in 1985 dollars...
U better know what your doing
which I did then...when I
was twenty one years old

He wasnt felled...luck chance
the living were polaxed...
inclusion would be
I felt polaxed
I fell ....polaxed by the loss
the edit reads less jaunty
and more concise
but.......that shock
of losing someone
that is the pole axe...

think BEEFEATERS LONDON
i sailed.....the boom from a sail
in tacking change swung
hit me....
life vest saved ribs..

good edit change though
I like the softer verse to death
odes....I take my hat off
and stop and hang my head
when the hearses roll past
on street

I dont grieve...
gradual acceptance

excellent poem and critique though..
thank U
Mr Esker!

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