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GLASS PRISON

I have the choice of two windows
from which to look upon the world.
Each one reveals different shows
when, slowly, every day's unfurled.

One overlooks dense hoary oaks
where squirrels and wood peckers play.
Their constant solemn shade invokes
that all who visit comes to stay.

The other commands a vista view
of tidy farms and wooded hills.
A sight that urges me to imbue
my wanderlust for new seen thrills.

But it matters not for each window
invites me to a land forbidden me.
Places where I Used to go
when I was still young and free.

For now I'm bound to halls and a small room
and this infernal rolling chair
feeling I've already met my doom.
One day I'll pass through the glass and go out there.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Your imagery is alive, what a beautiful view through the glass window. Is this for the competition? It should be
Your ending is ever hopeful of escape

Thank you...Teddy

Yes this is a contest poem. Kinda doubt it will win but I got to thinking about windows and how two windows in the same room can have such different views and this spilled out. and we will ALL escape to another place on a certain day

author comment

This truly is a beautiful poem, and the longing of the last verse makes it all the more poignant.
*thinks* So, the ideas in this poem are really good, however, the meter and rhyme are kinda stiff. I notice you didn't actually ask for specific critique, so I'm just going to critique what I 'want' (notice):
Vs1: Ln2: "From which to look upon the world" doesn't actually meet the meter of the previous line very well. "From which to look out on the world" might work a little better for you. Ln3/4: So, Ln3 has 7 beats, while Ln4 has 9. If you switch them up like this: "As each one reveals different shows/Every day is slowly unfurled" you even up the meter to 8-8.
Vs2: Ln2: "Where wood peckers and squirrels play" doesn't meet the meter of Ln1. "Where squirrels and woodpeckers play" does (also 'woodpeckers' is one word). Ln3: You have 9 beats in this line because of 'solemnly' which also breaks up your meter with its 3-beat length. I suggest shortening 'solemnly' to a different, 2-beat word to even up your rhythm. Ln4: "That all who visit comes to stay" do you mean 'come to stay'?
Vs3: This is the tidiest, and the only issues being that 1 - Your beat for every line is 9 here whereas it was 8 in the previous verses, and 2 - Ln4 "My wanderlust for new seen thrills" is really stiff. What about "My wanderlust for new optic thrills"? This smooths out the meter as well.
Vs4: Ln2: The meter is off here, not to mention having two 'me's in the same line. Try: "Entices with land forbidden me" which fixes both problems. Ln3: "Placed where I Used to go" do you mean "Places where I used to go"? Having 'Places' instead of 'Placed' smooths your meter out as well (helping it match LN4).
Vs5: First three lines are perfection, the last line not so much. Two suggestions: 1 - you could break it up into two rhyming lines for emphasis on the final thought. These could go something like this: "One day I will stand from this chair/Step through the glass and go out there". 2 - Where you say "One day I'll pass" what about saying "One day I'll step"? It sounds more . . . beautiful (at least to me, but that's subjective XD).
After all that, I really do love this poem. The ideas in it, the trueness of feeling, the longing, the pictures, are all so tangent and beautiful.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

Welcome to the asylum lol. I am pleased you like this poem enough to give such in depth critique. I Will give each suggestion serious consideration when I do my first edit which will likely be in a week or so. I'll let this scribble gather some more ideas first.

author comment

Thanks! Good luck on your edits and the contest. ;D
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

Dear Alan, this is a lovely poem and is sure to win the contest. I was reading Thalassa's critique and learned a lot from her, so thank you T, if you see this.
The idea of two windows with different views is surprising, I'd not have thought of that. But you live in beautiful surroundings, so I understand.
I'll return for another read when you've done some tweaking, we had a power outage and it's gotten very late for me.
All the best, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

I assume the Alan is a late night typo lol.I had thought about extending the two different views thing but figured it might make the poem too long and lord know most of my stuff is pretty long already. I'll likely do first edit over the week end. Thanks for dropping by

author comment

You now have another person who will ride your butt about metere and take you to task for your wonderful works! I feel like I can relax a little and just ride her coatails for a little. LoL Seriously, if her exhaustive review means that she likes it that much, you should finally get over calling your work "Scribblings". Sic 'em Thalassa! ~ Gee.
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Happy you get a break from whipping me about meter. Just hope I don't wear her out lol.

author comment

all know by now why
no not shy
u also know
why
if any one beats you
let him not try
you know they will die
just try

I hope all is well with you. I fear that I keep wearing out those who keep trying their best to help me attain better meter............

author comment
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