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the girl I love and live for

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Thu, 2023-06-08 06:00

She is the voice of my own soul,
my sacred, secret sorrow.
The only day for which I long
to dawn on me tomorrow.

As well as breath that beauty breathes
beside the deep blue ocean.
She is a wistful, wild gazelle,
whose grace evokes emotion.

In youth, when silver moonlit beams
all met to merge and mingle,
to form a precious pool of pearl,
she succoured me when single.

She is the sweetest summer breeze,
with kisses true and tender.
Like searing, soaring, scorching sun,
she shines sublime with splendour.

For me, she’s space between the stars
that’s still, serene and silent,
where galaxies do gleam and glow
in void that’s never violent.

From high Olympus she stepped down
to live in land of shadow,
with body, breath and beauty’s form
from goddess she did borrow.

Her song’s the sound of singing birds
on sunlit summer morning:
the world, with light and loveliness
so beautifully adorning.

She is the sweet serenity
beside the sounding seashore.
For now and for eternity:
the girl I love and live for!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
For Lorraine, my first and last love.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-06-08 12:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This is a beautiful and romantic poem. The imagery you use is vivid and evocative, and it creates a strong sense of the speaker's love and admiration for the girl they are describing. The repetition of the phrase "she is" throughout the poem emphasizes the speaker's devotion to her and creates a sense of unity and completeness.

One suggestion for improvement would be to vary the structure of your stanzas a bit more. While the consistent rhyme scheme is effective in creating a sense of harmony and unity, the stanzas themselves are all quite similar in length and structure. Experimenting with different stanza lengths and structures could add some variety and interest to the poem.

Overall, this is a lovely and heartfelt tribute to the girl you love. Well done!

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Fri, 2023-06-09 11:32

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the even stanzas and the resulting rhythm. The beat of the stanzas are counterpointed by the lines lead and make the whole thing sing. I felt that the premise of what this person brings to the relationship, is intoned by the lines:

"From high Olympus she stepped down
to live in land of shadow,
with body, breath and beauty’s form
from goddess she did borrow".

Very nicely done, ~ Geez.
.

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