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The Forest At Night
sunsets beauty showing pastel lighting
mother nature's canvas unfolds to earth
the tress outlined in shades of dark shadow
hanging heavy from nights dew drop splendor
forest creature will sleep without the fear of harm
upon it's floor a bed of leaves and twigs
cushion the sound footfalls that man will make
all is silent at peace and rest for now
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Gave it my best shot.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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North Carolina
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allen Poe, James Patterson, Dean Koontz, Leonard Cohen
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Comments
Geremia
Mon, 2012-01-16 18:01
I lov ethe music you create
I lov ethe music you create in your poems.
Joe
scribbler
Mon, 2012-01-16 18:28
hello
Like the visuals. Are you aiming for Iambic pentameter? Seem so to me.............stan
China Blue
Mon, 2012-01-16 23:26
Stan
Yes
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
author commentChina Blue
Mon, 2012-01-16 23:27
Mark
not knowing the difference as yet I felt I was aiming for iambic
but i do appreciate your feedback
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
author commentChina Blue
Tue, 2012-01-17 10:20
Mark
u r free to correct me if I am wrong
but from what I read it was my understanding that
IAMBIC
is one soft one stressed syllable per set
five sets per line
did I miss something here
nope
read it please as
Sun(sets) Beau(ty) SHOW(ing) PASTEL (lighting
I wouldn't know
Trochaic if it jumped up and bit me in the arse lol
I'm just getting into this meter thing
that is why I am finding it difficult to comment on the other workshop submissions I don't feel I have the right to do so until I know what of I speak
that being said heh heh I am here to learn as are others so teach away
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
author commentEduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-01-16 23:42
Jeez Blue
Just the ten words per line and the stressed syllables is so clear that I have learned something. as far as I am concerned Jess was right by readsing others poems on meter I have learned by applying the syllabus lesson to your write.
this is good!
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
China Blue
Tue, 2012-01-17 10:23
Mr. Cruz
Hey Eddie How have you been
I appreciate your input but I wouldn't follow my lead until I know I am right(correct)
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
author commentEduardo Cruz
Tue, 2012-01-17 12:14
Blue
It's not about following, it's about how you constructed it. I see the possiblities of the idea.
Thank You!
I am fine, just reacclaiming myself to the site. I still can't dedicate as much time as I would like. actually I am at work right at this moment. I am between projects. I just committed to to this because Jess has been a great help to me sinse I came here with his honesty. even though he can be crazy at times, but that about him not me. Great respect for his talent.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-01-17 14:10
Dear Chrys,
I am so CONFUSED! (as far as the meter goes!) But I am here reading and trying to learn. btw, I really enjoyed the tranquility of the piece.
how does one bold certain words?
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
weirdelf
Wed, 2012-01-18 05:18
At the bottom of the submit
At the bottom of the submit poem box and the comment box is a dropdown list saying Simple Formatting
click that and choose
Advanced Formatting
Select any word or syllable you want in Bold, hold the Ctrl key and push B
voila!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Tue, 2012-01-17 21:57
I'm going to agree with Mark's assessment.
The poem actually flows quite nicely, but it is not all iambic. The first line is trochee and the third is iambic up to "shadows" where you would have to accent the second syllable to keep it iambic.
One of the things I do is read my poem aloud over stressing the syllables that should be stressed if I want it to be a particular meter. This usually shows me an incorrect pronunciation. Like sha/DOWS.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
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scribbler
Tue, 2012-01-17 23:37
Hmmm......
this really shows the problem in analysing poetry as to meter. The way a poem is read differs so much from one person to another that iambic for one can be trochaic to another.I read that 1st line as iambic. Should we have to resort to a dictionary to find the true accented syllable for any particular word which starts a line of poetry?........stan
weirdelf
Wed, 2012-01-18 05:37
Let's parse this!
sunsets/ beauty/ showing/ pastel/ lighting [perfect Iambic Pentameter]
mother/ nature's/ canvas/ unfolds/ to earth [3 trochees, 2 iambs]
the tress/ outlined/ in shades/ of dark/ shadow [4 iambs, 1 trochee]
hanging/ heavy from/ nights /dew drop/ splendor [mixed meter]
forest/ creature/ will sleep/ without/ the fear/ of harm [mixed meter]
upon/ it's floor/ a bed/ of leaves/ and twigs [perfect Iambic Pentameter]
cushion/ the sound/ footfalls that/ man will/ make [mixed meter]
all is/ silent at/ peace and/ rest for/ now [strong start iambic pentameter]
The piece is beautifully expressive poetry and although the meter is in places irregular it still has a strong rhythmic feel. It doesn't do what the exercise asked for, but it does very well, it is a successful poem.
Meter is not tyrranical. I am only asking you to try to make regular meter to learn how to use it. This succeeds beyond the terms of the exercise, well done chrys, your instinct prevailed over form.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
China Blue
Wed, 2012-01-18 14:05
Jess
grrrrrr!
thank you to all that helped
and to you Jess for breaking it down
I guess I have always written from my instincts and not from books
oh well
perhaps back to the drawing board
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2012-01-18 15:57
I think Jess miswrote himself.
The first line is trochee, not iamb. However, his other comment that meter is not tyrannical is right. The form is not there to tell us how to write, but a way of describing what we have written that we might easily determine why something works or does not. It is a tool. One can hammer a nail in with a rock and the nail still goes in. It's easier and quicker with a hammer. That's all that it's about. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-01-19 02:10
oops,
you're dead right Wes,
thanks
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
MichelleK
Fri, 2012-01-20 08:17
I agree with Jess and Wesley
Sorry I couldn't add much.
If you want my mark-up/parsing:
Because of my limited net usage at the moment I can't get the break up/ parsing to you until Monday or Tuesday. If you'd like it sooner, please pm me your email tonight and I'll scan you the page I jotted it down on to you.
China Blue
Fri, 2012-01-20 10:20
opinion
It seems to me that the specific critiquing of stressed and unstressed is a problem here. If one dialect stresses one thing and another stresses another
well take as an example the word progress
if you are from the states you are going to pronounce that word as
prahgress(phonetic
other places say
pro-gress
I also believe what we stress has a bearing on how we learned in school
point being it is difficult to critique two or three different countries works
so no matter how I write it will be found as incorrect
Just my opinion ya know
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2012-01-20 12:06
This is true, Chrys,
there are variations but less than you might think. Metered poems tend to work in all but extreme dialects. Remember Yeats was Irish, and American differences are not that great.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Fri, 2012-01-20 20:29
But,
we must also take into consideration who is speaking. What is the narrator in the poet's mind? Someone is "thinking", "saying" and "being" inside a poem. Who is that? That question answered would color how the poem is written.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
China Blue
Sat, 2012-01-21 19:28
Yes
agreed
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
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