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THE FORD

I find that I stumble now
unlike in my days of youth
yet I just keep on somehow
in my search for lasting truth.

This stream upon whose banks I walk
once was slow and wide.
As time continues its slow stalk
all my loved ones fall aside.

And as my trek proceeds upstream
the flow narrows as I go.
Cooling days make my breath steam
this jaunt becoming ever more slow.

I pause and look with abrupt start
ashes in spirit and aches in bone.
I realize I have become apart.
It's clear that I am now alone.

The stream has now become a brook
that in younger days I'd jump across.
As I continue on I look
while high above old trees' limbs toss.

Another pause on this chill day.
With a few more steps I spot a ford.
Is this where I'll cross to go away
to achieve final reward?

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Wow I was confused at:
unlike at the first

I think that needs a bit of definition.

Be back,

~Mark~

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What a juxtaposition between the title and the closing line. I was struck by the description of the table, “claw feet”, suggesting an aura of menace or at the least a threat.

Mario Vitale

"claw feet"?

author comment

at "unlike at the first" but like mark, think that it could be made a little smoother. Not sure how but...
~ Gee.
.

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But changing it will require changing at least one other line; I'll see what I can do..........

author comment

you could get by with just saying "not like at the first" That way you don't have to change anything else.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

I'm still thinking on this and am tending toward changing 2 lines

author comment

And although I stopped at one line I did not lose interest.
Here is where I stumbled a bit, Stan:
I realize I have become apart.

Also too many words is a bad thing but I believe there could be a little more here and there.
Looks like the rhyming is limiting you Hmm you could keep the rhyme and make it a bit more clear there and perhaps in other places.
I do love the idea of the stream getting smaller till it disappears .. very cool.
Later,

~Mark~

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The first two stanzas drew me in up to S3 L4 where I felt a little jolt in the meter. I think all critiques here are productive, so I have nothing to add to them except to say how much I can relate to this poem and its outstanding imagery. I can easily imagine that old Ford in its process of demise. You have written a splendid description of our later lives.
~ Marthalyn

~ Marthalyn

All ideas are valued by me. I'm kinda tied up with the workshop and real life right now but it has become obvious I need to tweak this one a bit when time allows

author comment
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