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eyes of lost love

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Mon, 2023-05-01 08:27

Where lotus blossoms sleep,
by marshes dank and deep,
my love went down to weep
so long ago.

She’d had to let me leave,
grow old and grey and grieve,
go mad with make-believe,
not let me know

that she still cared for me,
though we could never be;
she needed to be free,
so she could grow!

She said she had moved on
since we were twenty one;
and our first love had gone,
like melted snow.

But she could not disguise,
with savage sapphire lies,
the love lost in her eyes
when it would glow.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
for my first love
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-05-01 08:27

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Eyes of Lost Love" captures the essence of a bittersweet love story. It portrays a woman who had to let go of her love, but still carries the pain of the lost love deep in her eyes. The use of descriptive language, such as "lotus blossoms sleep" and "marshes dank and deep," adds a touch of melancholy to the poem, setting the tone for the emotional journey of the protagonist.

The poem flows smoothly, with a consistent rhyme scheme that adds a musical quality to the verses. The repetition of phrases like "so long ago" and "not let me know" creates a sense of longing and missed opportunities, conveying the pain of a love that could have been.

One suggested line edit would be to replace "savage sapphire lies" with "fierce blue lies." While the former is an interesting choice of words, the latter is more concise and easier to understand, without losing the impact of the description.

Overall, "Eyes of Lost Love" is a well-crafted poem that speaks to the universal themes of love and loss. It is a poignant reminder that even the deepest love can sometimes slip away, leaving only memories and regrets in its wake.

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Lavender

Mon, 2023-05-01 22:14

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Poignant and beautiful. Tight rhyme pattern and rhythm. I understand the last two lines couple with your title, but it feels like the poem should end with "...our first love had gone, like melted snow." Such a powerful image.
Another beauty.
L

Blue-eyed Bolla

Tue, 2023-05-02 02:45

Blue-eyed Bolla's picture

Thank you. I think you would have been right about the last verse. however, my lost love did return to me after many years apart, so I ended the poem with hope. Again, many thanks for your encouragement and support for my poor little rhymes.

KBloor

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Lavender

Tue, 2023-05-02 08:49

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Beautiful poetry!
L

Blue-eyed Bolla

Tue, 2023-05-02 12:28

Blue-eyed Bolla's picture

Many thanks, Lavender.

KBloor

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