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Envy
As the sun walks up the stairs
The sea looks up with envy
And the sky pale’s just thinking
What if the sun finds his love;
It is earths beauty
that charms,
Even God’s
have a beating heart!
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage:
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Comments
Nature Mithya
Tue, 2018-05-08 00:49
The use of two apostrophes and the lovely comment on Envy!
Sad I do not know how to post the connected picture with the poem otherwise you would not have said the apostrophes weren’t important.
The sky and the sea love the sun so the sky turns to pale with envy. Here there are multiple Gods involved so I thought it best to use another apostrophe as generally every one assumes there is only one God.
This is a recent poem written within minutes when I saw this lovely picture as though telling me even Gods can love and be envious.
Deeply grateful that you read the poem and gave your heartfelt views which are rare to find and that too from a poet!
author commentchevyvent
Sat, 2018-05-05 12:22
Beautiful work
it appeals to all the known senses very together piece from the heart you got here.
Mario Vitale
Nature Mithya
Tue, 2018-05-08 00:52
Wow
Thanks for reading and for the lovely thoughts!
author commentraj
Sat, 2018-05-05 15:41
Hi Mithya
Welcome to Neopoet. You are in the right place if you are looking to grow in your poetic skills and willing to accept constructive critique. Be courteous by responding to their comment. You will find a wide range of poems in contrasting colors, shades and themes. Read them and feel free to comment which could be positive or critical and even make suggestions if you have something to offer.
There are active workshops and contest. By participating in them you will be able to expand your knowledge and refine your skills.
Regarding your first poem posted here...i agree with the comment about Apostrophe made by blistered-pen. I believe you can make two lines instead of four in second stanza. Personally I feel your poem could say more. Presently the end appears to be abrupt.
Your poem and pen name tells me you are fond of nature and look forward to your posting more.
best wishes
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Nature Mithya
Tue, 2018-05-08 01:07
Bondage?
The moment a poet binds himself or herself to formats, styles and form; I believe they destroy the natural flow, content and freedom.
As a reader one should be versatile to appreciate and evolve with the thoughts as placed by another poet. There is always a thin line that separates a writer from a reader, if understood beautiful otherwise trash.
Anyway thanks for reading and the comments!
author commentraj
Tue, 2018-05-08 05:24
Hi Mithya
I never said anything about "bondage" did I...however it appears that for some reason it gave you that feeling...apparently you are offended by my comment which was with a good intention but since you feel offended I shall refrain from making comments....
best wishes always...
..................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Nature Mithya
Wed, 2018-05-09 02:49
Not offended!
Constructive comments, as I have learnt are rare; thoughts may differ nothing wrong in disagreeing.
I try to move away when a write irritates me and always try to comment on the ones I like and understand; this way find peace and tranquility!
Every time I tried to help by suggestions I too was misunderstood so I gave up preaching; in short only time and maturity can bring out the best if one is observant.
For me writing is for pleasure and I look forward to errors that people find in what I write.
Observe and react have always been my strong points which made me comment on your comment and should not be considered offensive or offending by either of us!
author commentraj
Wed, 2018-05-09 05:02
Hi Mithya
I will keep reading your posts.
As a policy..whenever I have doubts about how my comment will be received by individuals who have historically not liked them,,,i prefer to keep quiet rather than invite an acidic retort...
Best wishes...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Eumolpus
Sat, 2018-05-05 18:56
me too
you are introducing us to these great forces of nature that have beating hearts ...our most basic and primal imagination made these gods, and gave them love stories. I agree with the comments- tell us more!
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Nature Mithya
Tue, 2018-05-08 01:18
E E Cummings
Love the way you have analysed the thoughts behind the poem, which only a great writer can do.
For me Cummings is an inspiration, who with his unique use of metaphors in a few lines can bring magic where others have failed with their exhaustive words!
Happy you gave your precious time to read Envy!
author commentgregwa8
Mon, 2018-05-07 02:17
I like the play between sea,
I like the play between sea, sun, sky, and earth. And the image of the sun climbing stairs. and interesting nature poem!
Nature Mithya
Tue, 2018-05-08 01:23
Observation
You have a keen capacity to observe, react, and put your thought in a few words!
Look forward to reading your poems on Neo poets!
Thanks for reading and the very observant comment.
author comment