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Elysium

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Sun, 2023-04-02 05:45

I love this holy hour the best,
when moonbeams gleam and owls screech,
while mortals lay them down to rest,
and weary waves weep on the beach.

I love this tranquil, quiet place
that's far away from humankind,
where I can gain, by God's good grace,
possession of a poet's mind.

It’s here I wander, like a cloud,
that someone said, 'does float on high,'
unseen, as ghost in sacred shroud,
as silent as a sparrow's sigh.

I love to while away the time
composing 'neath the broad-leaved bowers,
where I can regulate my rhyme,
and shelter from autumnal showers.

It’s here I tread untrodden trails,
alone, among the trembling trees,
while sweet Aurora fades and fails,
and twilight breathes her blissful breeze.

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

my place of peace

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-04-02 05:45

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Elysium" paints a vivid picture of a peaceful and secluded place where the speaker can escape the chaos of human society and tap into their creative side. The imagery is rich and transports the reader to a serene environment filled with nature's beauty. The use of personification, as seen in the reference to the cloud and sparrow's sigh, adds a layer of depth to the poem and helps to bring the environment to life.

The rhyme and meter of the poem are consistent and add to the tranquil atmosphere. The use of archaic language, such as "neath" and "breathes," adds to the poem's dreamlike quality and matches the speaker's desire for an idyllic setting.

However, the poem's structure is a bit disjointed, and the transitions between stanzas are not always smooth. The third stanza feels out of place as it describes the act of writing rather than the environment itself. Additionally, the final stanza feels abrupt, and the shift from describing the speaker's personal experiences to a general description of the environment is jarring.

One suggested line edit could be to change "while mortals lay them down to rest" to "while mortals lay down to rest." The use of "them" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the line.

Overall, "Elysium" is a beautiful poem that captures the essence of a peaceful and creative environment. With some structural adjustments, it could be even more effective in conveying the sense of tranquility that the speaker is seeking.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sun, 2023-04-02 06:16

Elysium

Agree completely with Neo. I have edited the poem.

KBloor

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2023-04-02 21:36

Sounds like...

a place I would like. Where warm waves caress a white sandy beach, and the green leafy trees protect one from the hot sun.
Nice place to write from! Great job of projecting a paradise. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Rosewood Apothecary

Tue, 2023-04-04 18:44

Incredible

Loved it. Great work. I love the rhythm of your work. It’s really metered and I’m a fan of more classical styles and language usage. You ring those bells for me as a reader. I also love nature and poetry about it. Superb.

Tim

Neopoet

Elysium