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Eerie feel
An eerie feel follows me
But what would you know
Unable to shake free
And cornered by my foe
Shadows haunt my rear view
Crawling up my back
I see what I thought true
I overthink and crack
Always too lazy to speak up
My meals not so appeasing
Homework and a coffee cup
My friends are “only teasing”
But a smile I plaster
To help them on with their day
Or shut up faster
As no one knows the price i pay
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
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Comments
hopeless_writer
Wed, 2019-05-01 16:32
Suppp
Loveee this can relate to hard
Eumolpus
Wed, 2019-05-01 22:15
good to writ in rhyme
It sticks with the reader as they read. Nice feel
I would change
My meals not so "appealing"...makes more sense
and
Or shut up faster
none knows the price i pay ..the meter fits, yours is too long, breaks the pace.
rhymes have so much diversity, you and to hunt to find one that works..."But I plaster" is forced to me, associated with the act of making a wall...to plaster...I would play around and say the same thing differently.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Geezer
Thu, 2019-05-02 18:05
Nice little rant...
to get over that nasty feeling that nothing matters. Here, we all matter. I just wanted to say; that I think you will do well here. Welcome and attend some workshops, have some fun and look around and steal ideas from everywhere. [No, I don't mean steal their work], I mean if you find a style or method that suits you, go ahead and emulate it, if you get an idea from something you see, use it. That is what this site is all about. You did well, take your time and think about any changes and use them if you like them. ~ Geezer.
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