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breakfast

I sit in my room scrolling through Pinterest admiring all the gorgeous honey brown and auburn locks that pepper the screen,
I sigh when I suddenly see myself from the third-person view, cringing at the sight.
My greasy hair sits unwillingly on my shoulders complementing my cellulite thighs, I look down at them and plead with my mind not to hate the things society argues are invalid.

I remind myself that I owe beauty to no one and that happiness can be found without the tiny waist I so desperately want.
I remind myself that it's my own internalized male gaze that suggests that I am not enough to be desired.
I remind myself of all the breath-taking figures of femininity overflowing art museums with their soft jawlines and chubby tummies’.
I remind myself that I was once desired by many men throughout history.
But I wonder if I even long to be desired by them, why should I feel the need to cater to their perverted stares and piggish sniggers?
I wonder if I want to be seen in that feminine way,
Seen as that small delicate girl worthy of love? Worthy of protection and flattery?
Do I want the love of a man or do I desire to be desired by one?
I remind myself that the rosy feeling of being desired and admired is not love nor affection.

Once again, I try to find comfort in my mountain of pillows and blankets, that I might be enough.
That I might find the sweet peachy warmth, that little girls dream of in their fairy-tale.
That I might find myself security and sanctuary in another person.

I have an epiphany while pinning a pretty pink dress on a size zero to my mood board.
I realize that I don’t need to limit myself to men, why on earth would I deny myself love just because of a social construct everyone swears by?
I find it absurd to think that someone spends their last days in a grey kitchen drying dishes because their beer drinking leech is watching sports.
That they are worthy of so much love but have refused to search for it in another variety of being,
Instead settling with a housewife persona they dread every morning, before biting themselves in the ass for their “ungratefulness”.
I would keep those poor souls in my prays if I believed in god, but I don’t.

I finally close the tab on my laptop with a sly smirk on my face, like a secret
only I know.
I sigh content with my train of thought and whisper a sweet “fuck you” to every Instagram post and pretty pink dress that convinced me I am not deserving of a fairy-tale.
Even if mine doesn’t have a prissy prince in it.
I giggle as I tiptoe my way to the kitchen in my granny shorts and oversized T.
Trying to decide whether I fancy pancakes or porridge for breakfast.

I shrug picking both because why limit myself.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
mainly talking about how being a girl in today's society feels, including toxic feminity/masculinity blah blah mentions feeling the need to perform for the male gaze and struggles with feeling comfortable in own skin etc but in the end not giving a f**k. please critique freely I wrote this in about an hour or less I want to be able to improve my writing. please don't be toxic or try to tell me what I'm feeling is wrong or the male gaze doesn't exist.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

asking for only critique on your work, I will spare you the homespun, touchy-feely spout of things that I would normally say.
[If you look at some of my critique, you will see what I mean]. I feel that you have indeed, put your emotions out there and done so in a great poem. My suggestion, is to put the lines in a format that will enhance reading them. Just because you are writing free-verse, it doesn't mean that you cannot put the lines in a more compact, even form. Your title is good, [not great], but good enouigh to pull me in. Your language is good for the message; it makes one think of the common person, whom I assume you are trying to reach. The pacing is great and is just right for an open letter, such as you have written. The logic is well thought out and fits perfectly. I am surprised and pleased to see you back after this long. I hope that you will not let us wait so long for another piece of work from you. ~ Geezer.
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