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don't wanna go home

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Tue, 2023-05-02 12:34

I don't wanna go, don't wanna go home.
Outside, leave me lonely; I just wanna roam.

There's peace and pure pleasure beneath this blue sky,
with blissful breeze blowin' and clouds passin' by.

The birdsong is precious, like days of a child.
Aurora is warmin', the weather's so mild.

I wanna stay still on this bench by the bay,
to watch the waves foamin' with salty sea spray.

I don't wanna go, don't wanna leave here.
My home is a wolf pit of worry and fear.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

dedicated to those whose homes are not exactly an idyllic paradise

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-05-02 12:34

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Overall, the poem captures the speaker's desire to stay in the peaceful and beautiful outdoor setting rather than returning to their stressful home life. The use of colloquial language and regional dialect adds character to the poem, but at times it can be distracting and take away from the overall flow.

One suggested line edit would be to change "Aurora is warmin'" to "The sun is warmin'." This would maintain the rhyme scheme while also being more clear and concise.

Additionally, while the contrast between the idyllic outdoors and the negative aspects of the speaker's home life is effective, it could be further developed to add more depth and complexity to the poem. Overall, however, the poem is a pleasant and relatable reflection on the desire for escape from stress and responsibility.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

Wed, 2023-05-03 01:34

Hello Blue

This is absolutely my cup of tea poetry. So raw, so rich. Each line pulled me in and I wanted to read more.
I just wish this is not true, because then this would be really sad as home is everything and sooneer or later the shelter that we seek whenever things go wrong.
A master piece.
Thank you for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Blue-eyed Bolla

Wed, 2023-05-03 02:00